We Are Even Now Crying Out
by Chasyn
Summary: Sora and Kairi aren't friends with Riku anymore. They went their separate ways once they returned to Destiny Islands. But Riku is still on Sora's mind. All the time. Riku/Sora, cutting, suicide, language, and other junk. Be warned.
1. We Are Even Now Crying Out

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. I own the world's bitchiest cat. But believe me, you don't want her.

**Warnings:** Rated T for language, masturbation references, boys kissing, Sora's dirty mind, and dark content.

**Setting/Timeline: **A year after KH2 ended. Sora and Kairi are 17, Riku is 18.

* * *

**We Are Even Now Crying Out**

_Sometimes I just don't understand it. Life, you know? Sometimes I just don't understand life._

My eyes flutter open as the alarm buzzes its morning hello. With a groan, I roll over and pull the pillow over my head, trying to drown out its annoying sound. But, like always, it doesn't go away. With a sigh, I pull the pillow from my head and reach over to turn the alarm off. I miss, like usual, and hear the clatter of the clock hitting my floor.

_Would you believe it if I told you this happened every morning? I hate that damn clock. And every morning I miss the damn button and the damn thing ends up on my damn floor. And you know what? It still fucking works. Can you believe it? It meets the floor every morning and it still works! Sometimes, I have no luck._

I step out of the shower, feeling slightly better than when I had first woken up. I wrap a towel around my naked waist and head back to my room. As soon as I open the door, I'm greeted with gust of cold air.

Cocking my head to the side, I stare at the open window that shares the wall with my bed. I didn't open it this morning, yet there is it, open. My dull blue curtains flutter with the air pouring through. Who opened my window?

_I should have known. I really should have. She did it nearly every morning. She would pop over before school and screw around in my room while I took a shower. Or she'd sneak in while I ate breakfast. But sometimes I can be so dense._

My closet doors burst open and she comes flying out at me. I stumble backwards, expecting her to latch onto me as always. But it never comes from the doe eyed red head.

"Oh yuck!" She lifts her hands to cover her eyes and turns. "You're naked!"

I smile and laugh as I walk around her to get to my closet. "I am not. See the towel?" I ask with my back to her.

"That's not any better." I hear her say with an exaggerated groan.

At the closet door, I turn to smile at her and wink. "Don't break into my house, sneak into my room, hide in my closet, and then blame me if you happen to see something you don't want to."

She gives me a glare, then crosses her arms and turns on her heels. "I'll wait downstairs. But don't take forever. I don't want to be late Sora." She calls from the hall.

_Kairi. Yeah, she was an oddity all right. She was always smiling and always bright-eyed. She could always make me smile when I was feeling down and laugh when I wanted to cry. She was smart as well. I purposefully scheduled nearly all my classes so that we had the same ones. She helped me with the stuff I didn't understand. And she was always so nice about it. And she was pretty too. _

I dress quickly and grab my backpack. I take a quick look at myself in the mirror and sigh. My cinnamon brown hair sticks up everywhere. I run my fingers through it quickly and try to pat it down, but it doesn't work. It still springs up just like it always does.

With a smile, I move towards my door and head down the hall.

"Morning sweetheart." I hear my mom call from the kitchen. "Come sit down and have breakfast before you two have to get going."

I drop my bag at the door and turn towards the kitchen. Kairi is already sitting at the table, chewing on a piece of jelly-covered bread.

_That pretty reddish brown hair that hung just above her shoulders. It curled at the ends and framed her face beautifully. Her eyes were a red brown, the exact color of her hair. They were always wide and bright, always smiling. Her lips were naturally rose colored and full and pouty. They looked pretty damn kissable. So why didn't I ever really feel anything for her? I thought I did once… But now she does nothing for me. Why?_

She looks over at me as I walk in. Her mouth is covered in jelly. Tilting her head to the side, she crosses her eyes and sticks out her tongue.

_Oh! That's why. She's like my sister. I remember the moment I realized that, that I thought of her as my sister. I was sick for three days._

I give her shoulder a slight shove as I take a seat next to her. "You got a little something on your lip."

"Oh! I do?" Kairi drops the toast on her plate and slowly reaches for the napkin holder that sat in the center of the table.

I shake my head slowly as she dabs at the corner of her mouth, then goes back to eating. I know she knows that there's more. And I know that she knows that I know she knows.

_Yeah, my brain works that way. And people wonder why I get confused easily. Usually by myself._

I scarf down two eggs, a piece of toast, an orange, and three sausage patties. I'm not really that hungry, but I know it pleases my mother.

"Okay! Time to go!"

I turn and watch as Kairi literally jumps from her chair and rushes towards the front door. I glance at my mom and smile. "Thanks for breakfast. I'll see you later!" With a wave, I head towards the door.

"Have a good day at school honey!" I hear her call after me.

I shake my head slowly as I hoist my bag on my back and follow Kairi out the door.

_My age has just been reduced to six. She does that a lot; treat me like a baby. My mom, that is. Not Kairi. I guess, though, I am her baby. And I always will be. And she is my mother. And she always will be. So it really doesn't matter. I don't know why I stress over it._

The walk to school doesn't take long and right away, we are spotted.

"Hey Sora! Kairi!"

I don't even have to turn to see who it is. I recognize the hyperactive brunette by voice.

Selphie comes into view with Tidus and Wakka behind her. "You guys are late!" She whines and wags a finger at us.

"We are not!" Kairi says from beside me.

"Yeah you are!" Selphie insists. "You're late to be early!" And she's the only one to laugh at her joke.

_I think Selphie and Tidus are dating again. It's hard to tell with them. They spend more time breaking and making up then they do actually being a couple. But I think that's because they are so perfect for each other. They'll probably end up being married by the time we graduate. A little annoying at times, but I like them. And Wakka. "The Muscle" as he was called on the Blitz ball team. I wouldn't want to get on his bad side. He can be a bit slow at times and always has that damn game on his mind, but I like him too. We make an odd bunch, don't you think?_

"Come on or we'll be later!" Selphie grabs Tidus's hand and pulls him towards the school doors.

"We're still early!" He complains. "How can we be late?"

"Oh come on!" She answers as they disappear into the door.

Wakka scratches at the back of his head and then turns to us. "I thought they were split up again."

I shrug my shoulders. "I try not to pay attention to their relationship. It makes my head hurt."

"Mine too." Wakka agrees.

"Come on. Let's go." I nudge Kairi's shoulder and we head into the building.

_When the three of us finally got back to Destiny Island, we had been gone for over a year. It took the rest of that school year and all summer to catch up enough to be in the right grades. Riku didn't complain though, because he was going to be a senior that year and he said he wanted out of school as soon as possible. But me, I wanted to just kick back after we returned. I mean, really! We had just finished saving all the worlds! The entire universe! AGAIN! But Kairi convinced me to stick to it. She said that it would suck if I couldn't graduate with her and our other friends. And I guess what she said made sense. Because there I was; another day of junior year._

"So where's Riku been hiding out these days?" Tidus pokes me from behind.

I glance up at the clock quickly. The teacher was late for class, as usual. With a smile, I turn around in my seat. "I don't know."

_Wakka sat next to Tidus, Kairi sat in front of him, and Selphie sat in front of me. Yep! The gang was all there. Except for Riku._

Wakka sighs and gives me a perplexing look. "Why don't you know? You're his best friend, ya know?"

"Yeah! What has he been into lately?" Tidus presses. "He's missed the past three Blitz ball practices."

Wakka nods. "Ya man. Coach says if he doesn't show up tonight, he can't play in the big game Saturday. And he's da best player we got, ya know?"

"Next to me!" Tidus gives Wakka a slight shove.

"He's da captain though. You ain't." Wakka retaliates.

I can hear Kairi and Selphie giggle from their seats. I shrug my shoulders and turn around in my chair, facing the front. I sigh slightly and lower my gaze to my desk. "I said I don't know."

"I dun believe that." Wakka grumbles.

Selphie turns fully around in her seat and flashes me a broad smile. "So then, when was the last time you like talked to him?"

I don't raise my gaze to hers. "I saw in him study hall yesterday. But I haven't talked to him since last weekend when he called me."

_Yeah. I know. It's damn near unbelievable, right? The two of us were inseparable as kids. And then when Kairi came along, it was the three of us. And then that shit with Kingdom Hearts. Truthfully, I thought that when we got home, everything would go back to the way it did before. You know, before we ever left. But the bridge that had formed between him and me only seemed to grow. And no matter what, I couldn't seem to cross it._

"I still don't know why you're talking a poetry class, Sora." She leans against the locker beside mine and shakes her head.

I deposit my unneeded books and grab my poetry book. "Maybe I like it." I say as I close my locker door and turn towards her. I flash a smile and stick out my tongue.

She rolls her eyes and grips her books tighter. "It just seems out of character for you."

I shrug and turn to lean against the locker. "I don't know. Maybe it is. I can't seem to complete the assignment we got yesterday."

"When's it due?"

I turn my head to look at her. "Next Monday, I think."

Her eyes widen and I swear they nearly pop out. "What? You do know that it's only Tuesday, right?"

I nod. "Yes, I know that. I'm not the complete idiot everyone takes me for."

She tilts her head to the side. "I didn't mean that and you know it mister!"

I can't help but smile as I catch the expression on her face. It's close to the one my mom used on me as a kid when she'd scold me. She tilts her head forward, her eyes narrowed into slits, her mouth flattens into a line, and her nostrils flare. And the tone of her voice always went up an octave or two. And that's just how Kairi was looking at me at that moment.

She shakes her head slowly and pushes me. "I was just surprised that you got a week long assignment and already started it. You're the King of Procrastination."

I have to give her credit for that one. I am the King of Procrastination. "I liked the assignment so I thought I'd give it a try."

She eyes me for a moment, in which I shift slightly under her gaze, and then smiles. "Want some help with it?"

"You aren't even in the class." I say, pointing out the obvious.

"I know that." She offered me a glare.

Tilting my head to the side, my eyes widen slightly. "You don't even like poetry."

"I know that too." She says as she takes a step away from the lockers. "But I can help you if you need it."

I push off from leaning against my locker and shake my head. "No. I think I'd rather get this one right." My voice cracks a little bit and I hope she doesn't notice. She's usually good at picking up when I'm lying.

"Okay!" She smiles. "I'll catch you after school."

I wave as she bounds down the hall to her next class. I sigh in relief as I turn down the opposite way. She didn't catch my lying eyes, as she calls them.

_Maybe she should have. Why didn't you Kairi? You didn't see through my little lie. Maybe if you had, I wouldn't have done it. Maybe… But no, I can't blame you. You couldn't have known about the poem. I didn't even know then._

Poetry class sucked today. The teacher asked us if any of us had ideas about our big assignment due next week. I was one of the one's she singled out. And I said no. And she looked disappointed. And then we went on to talk about rhyming.

Now, I'm sitting in my last class of the day, Study Hall. It's the second class I don't have with Kairi and the only class I have with Riku. Although, can you really call Study Hall a class?

Since it's the last period of the day, this Study Hall is held in the cafeteria. Endless rows upon rows of empty chairs. In Study Hall, we are all encouraged to study or do homework. Talking is not allowed. So, they assign us seats far enough away that they don't think we'll be able to talk; they being the teachers, of course.

So, I sit alone near the front of the cafeteria at my assigned table, near the exit doors. And from my lonely seat, I can see him but he cannot see me.

_Let's see… who could I be talking about? It's none other than my bridge-between-us-friend, Riku. Of course, in here, it's more like the rows-and-rows-of-tables-with-only-one-kid-sitting-at-them-between-us-friend._

I sigh as I glance around the quiet cafeteria. The teacher is sitting at the table next to me, sleeping as usual. I shake my head slowly as my gaze continues to shift. It stops on Riku, as it usually does. His back is to me and from the way he's slouching over the table I can pretty much assume he's as bored as I am.

_I love watching him. I do it a lot. His beautiful silver hair hangs just below his shoulders. And I can make out all of the smooth muscles in what I can see of his shoulders and back from the tight shirts he wears all the time. I can usually tell what he's doing too. If he's sitting straight up he's thinking. Slouching, he's bored. If his elbows are sort of to the sides, like he's holding a book, then he's reading. He does that a lot. When he leans back in his chair, he's about to fall asleep. And if he's working on an assignment or something, he'll lean his arm on the table and sometimes will hold his head while he writes. Sometimes he'll turn sideways in his chair and lean on the table and I can see his profile. Sometimes, I'll be watching him and he'll glance my way, and from that far away it's hard to tell if he's noticed that I've been staring at him, but I swear it's like were the only two people in there. Sometimes I'll close my eyes and dream that we're together, doing something—ANYTHING—I just miss hanging out with him. And sometimes…_

I shake my head slightly as I realize I was once again lost in thought. With a sigh, I tear my gaze from Riku's back and look down at the paper in front of me. It shouldn't be too difficult. I've been doing well so far in poetry. Not great, but good. I reread the assignment, hoping it will spark something better.

**Due Monday.**

**100 word minimum, 500 word maximum. Chose something that means a lot to you and write about it. The topic can be anything and it can be written in a positive or negative fashion. Or it can have both. Use what you've learned in the class and have fun. I'm looking for a real tearjerker with this one. Extra credit if you manage to bring a tear to my eyes.**

Something does come to mind. I smile slightly at the thought, but shake it quickly from my head.

The bell rings suddenly, signaling both the end of class and the school day. I glance up at the clock quickly and realize that I must have been daydreaming longer than I thought. I wasted another period doing nothing. Sighing deeply, I gather my things and stand up. My eyes flit over to Riku's table, but I see that he's already left.

"Damnit. He's gone."

"Who's gone?"

I turn slowly to see Kairi approaching. I didn't even realize I said that aloud. I smile nervously and change the subject right away. "Hey Kairi. What are you doing tonight?"

She tilts her head to the side and smiles wide. "Selphie and I are going to see a movie."

"Ah. No Tidus?"

She shakes her head. "Nope. He and Wakka have practice after school."

I smile and nod. "Right." I step closer to her and throw my arm around her shoulder. "You know what?"

"What?" She looks up at me, griming ear to ear.

I turn slightly and began walking out of the cafeteria, dragging her along with me. "I absolutely hate Blitz ball."

Kairi lifted a hand to her mouth, giggling.

"Now Struggle." I drop my arm from her shoulders and bring them together, as if I'm holding a Struggle Bat. With a smile, I swing my arms. "Now there's a game I like."

"Struggle, huh? Too bad we don't have a team here. It would be..."

I can hear Kairi's voice yammering on, but her words no longer register in my brain as I glance down the hallway. There, on the opposite end of the hallway from us, stands Riku, rooting through his locker. He hasn't caught sight of me yet and I'm glad of it. It gives me longer to stare at him. My breath catches in my throat as I watch him bend over to reach something at the bottom.

_Bad Sora, BAD!_

I turn around quickly as a blush creeps across my cheeks. I lower my gaze slightly and start forward, back the way we had just come.

"Sora! Where are you going?" Kairi's calling after me.

"I... forgot something from my locker." I don't turn around because I can still feel the heat on my cheeks and the pressuring mounting in my pants. "I'll catch ya later."

"Fine! Bye!"

_So... have you figured out my biggest secret yet? It's him. And if you don't know which him I'm referring to, then you must be as dense as I am. And that's pretty damn bad._

It takes me about ten minutes to run home and it's not quite quick enough. My mom isn't home yet and I'm glad of it because my problem has yet to alleviate itself.

_Do I really have to tell you what I did next? My house was empty and I was suffering from a boner. Come on, what would you do?_

A shudder rips through my body as the much-needed release comes and I spill out all over my hand.

"Riku..." My voice is breathy and his name comes out almost as a moan. "Look what you've reduced me to..."

_Innocent little Sora, reduced to jerking off behind his closed bedroom door. Surprised? I am a 17 year old boy. Hell! Most of us walk around with a hard on 24/7. And him just walking through the door is enough to set me off. So it's probably a good thing we don't spend a lot of time together anymore. I tend to think dirty thoughts when he starts talking with that mouth of his._

With a sigh, I grab my robe and head to the bathroom to clean up. I'm glad my mom's not home now.

_The days passed pretty much the same like that back then. I went to school on Wednesday. Kairi and I got there early. Tidus and Wakka bugged me about Riku. Kairi teased me about the damn poetry class. I spent all of Study Hall staring at Riku's back. And I went home afterwards and jerked off while thinking about how Riku would taste. And then there was Thursday. It was the same as well. And that would bring me to Friday, right? I hated that Friday. I think that was the real beginning of everything._

It's the last period of the day, Study Hall. And once again, I'm staring at Riku. This time, though, he's not sitting in his assigned seat halfway across the cafeteria. Instead, he's sitting at the table in front of mine, talking with Cyndi Cuttlermin.

_Cyndi's okay. She's nice enough and she's one of the most popular girls in the Junior class. Everyone knows her. Everyone likes her. All the girls want to be her best friend and all the guys want to be her boyfriend. I had nothing against her. Not really. Or at least not until that moment._

I turn my gaze quickly to the teacher and see that once again, he's asleep. I glance down at the poetry assignment that was taken over my life. Tones of scribbles and scratches line the paper, but so far I have only one line I like, "I can't watch him fade away." It probably isn't any good, but I like it.

I reread the line over and over again, but nothing sparks. With a sigh, I life my gaze and my mood dampens. Miss Cyndi Cuttlermin's hands are on Riku's arm and she's giggling. And he's smiling. And she's flirting. And she's touching him. And he's enjoying it. And, oh gods, he's probably asking her out. And I just want to fly across the tables and pull that blonde hair of hers out.

And that's when Riku turns his gaze towards mine. And I'm staring. And I can feel myself glaring. And he's looking at me. I drop my gaze to the paper in front of me and pretend to be working on my assignment though I'm actually silently freaking out.

A wad of paper bounces off my head a few moments later and lands a few inches from my paper. I glance up to see who threw it. Cyndi's now got her nose in a book of some sort and Riku's halfway back to his seat. I tilt my head to the side as I watch him a moment. I smile as I reach for the wadded up paper and begin to unfold it. It takes a minute to flatten out enough that I can read it.

**Meet me at my locker after class.**

**Riku**

I swallow nervously as I reread it. He wants to meet me! After school! At his locker! My mind starts running rampant with scenarios. An image of him with his shirt off, pressing me up against his locker comes to mind. And his hands are wandering up my shirt and his mouth is on my neck and…

Damnit!

_Several facts seemed to have escaped my mind at that moment. Riku wasn't gay. He wasn't exactly my friend anymore. He wasn't gay. We hadn't actually spoken in a long time and that call last weekend he gave me was only to find out if he left a shirt at my house months ago. He wasn't gay. And he had just been flirting with Cyndi Cuttlermin. And she certainly was a girl and not a guy. And yet, there I was, sitting at my assigned, and thankfully empty, table in Study Hall with a certain throbbing between my legs. Pathetic, isn't it?_

The end of the class didn't come too soon for me. The bell rings and I lift my gaze to Riku's table back in the corner. He's already up and striding towards the door. He doesn't look my way but I smile nonetheless.

"Hello? Earth to Sora?" Kairi's suddenly in front of me, blocking my view. "Stop ignoring me!" She has this silly pouting expression on her face.

"Hmm?" I shake my head slightly and try to focus on her. "Sorry." I smile. "Did you say something?"

She pulls out one of the chairs beside me and takes a seat. "You okay?"

I smile quickly and nod. "Yeah! Perfect!"

She eyes me a moment and I can feel her gaze penetrating me. Finally, she smiles and leans forward to throw her arms around me. And then she's standing again in front of me. "Let's go!" She grabs my hand and pulls.

The smile fades from my face. "Go? Where?"

She's still holding my hand. "Where?" There's a slight hurt look in her eyes. "You forgot? How could you forget?"

_Needless to say, I did forget. One thought about Riku is enough to completely empty everything else from my mind. It's a curse, really. And I hurt Kairi's feelings. And that wasn't okay. I'm such an ass._

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, not daring to meet her gaze. "I'm sorry Kairi. I've just... had a lot on my mind."

Her hand grasps my chin and she tilts my head up. I see that she sitting in the chair again. And she's smiling. "It's okay! I forgive you!"

And that's it. I smile at her as I grab my books and stand up. And then I remember Riku! Damnit! "Uh... Kairi... I have talk to someone first. How about I meet you at your house in like an hour?"

She tilts her head to the side as she lifts the backpack on the floor beside her to her shoulders. "Who?"

"My poetry teacher." I'm lying to her again. "I'm having trouble with that assignment."

"Still?" She looks apologetic. "Yeah, that would be fine. My mom won't be leaving until five anyways. And she won't be back until Sunday! So we'll have the whole house to ourselves." She winks at me as she turns to leave.

_And no! That's not what she meant. She doesn't know I'm not into girls and certainly not that I'm into Riku, but she knows I think of her as my sister. She was only teasing. See, it was the 1 year anniversary that Friday of when we got back to the islands together, back from saving the worlds from the heartless and nobodies. And Kairi thought it would be a great idea if we did something together. She wanted it to be the three of us, but neither of us asked Riku to join. We both knew he'd say it was a silly idea or something. But she wanted to hang out all night and watch movies and shit until our eyes were too heavy. I thought it would have been fun at the time. And I wish now that I would have gone with her._

"What's your problem?" He slams his locker door loudly and turns towards me.

"Huh?" I'm at a loss for words and he looks angry. And his anger is directed at me.

He rolls his eyes and glares, his eyes narrowing. "I saw you in Study Hall today."

My eyes widen slightly. Oh no! Just great! Now he knows! He's going to think I'm disgusting. And he's going to hate me more! And I don't think I can take it! I shift nervously under his glare and swallow back the urge to cry. I'm such a baby.

"Well?" He demands, crossing his arms. "You were glaring at me the entire time I was talking to Cyndi."

Cyndi? Confusion takes over as I try to understand his words.

Riku smiled slyly. "Last time I checked, you weren't dating her. She's not your property." He tilts his head to the side. "You're not dating any girl for that matter. I was sure by now that you'd be banging Kairi."

_I didn't really expect him to throw me against the lockers and ravish me right there in the middle of the school hallway... but I certainly didn't expect him to accuse me of liking Cyndi. She was a GIRL! It was just disgusting. And then the reference to Kairi. That's even worse!_

"Wait a minute." I hold up my hand to stop his berating of me. "You think I'm jealous of you and Cyndi? That I like Cyndi?" I laugh indignantly and shake my head. "Okay, even if that were true, what right do you have to tell me I couldn't do anything about it?" My voice raises and I step closer to him, my sudden anger getting the best of me.

"So... you aren't after Cyndi?" He takes a step back, clearly surprised.

I throw up my arms in exasperation. "No, Riku. I'm not the least bit interested in that slut." I'm practically in his face now.

His eyes narrow and he shoves me. "Then what the hell is your problem?"

"My problem?" I step forward again, getting back in his face. My hand reaches up to grab him by the collar and I push him as hard as I can into the lockers behind us. I hear the sickening crack his head makes against the metal but it doesn't faze me. He's taller than me and I have to stand on my toes to look him in the eye. "Your my problem, you self absorbed asshole."

I can see I've caught him off guard. And then his eyes flare and I see him open his mouth to say something.

_And that's when it happened. I made probably the biggest mistake of my life that moment._

Whatever he was going to say to me, it didn't come. Because suddenly my lips are covering his. My tongue snakes out and rubs against his bottom lip forcefully, demanding entrance.

I can feel his sharp intake of breath as he gasps. It seems I've caught him off guard again. But as soon as his mouth opens, my tongue is inside and he tastes so good. I hear him moan softly and I press my body harder against his. A certain sensation sparks in my groin as he presses back against me. My head is spinning and it doesn't occur to me that we are still in the school hallway. And even though school is over and everyone should have left for the day, that doesn't guarantee that someone won't pop up.

And then I'm on the floor and I don't remember how I got there but my jaw hurts. I look up and see Riku standing above me, his eyes wide. My eyes flit quickly down the hallway in all direction, but the two of us are the only ones here. I swallow as I glance back up at him.

A look of utter disgust tugs at his face. He wipes his mouth off on the back of his hand as he glares. "Fucking faggot." He hisses and turns down the hallway.

I sit there on the cold, hard tilted floor in shock. My eyes are glued to Riku's form. And even after he's vanished out the doors on the opposite end of the hallway, I'm still sitting there.

_Why the hell did I kiss him? What could have possessed me at that moment to think that that was a good idea!? To kiss a guy! And not just any guy, but my once best friend Riku, Captain of the Blitz Ball team, and most popular guy in school who a few minutes before was accusing me of liking a girl. Why? I just don't understand why I did it. But it did feel nice. And he did respond. And no one saw us; at least I'm pretty sure no one did._

I'm running. And my eyes are blurry. And I'm tired. And I'm pretty sure I've left my books on the floor in the middle of the hallway. But I don't slow until I reach my front porch and it's only long enough for me to open the door. I hear the door slam behind me but I'm halfway up the stairs by then. And then my bedroom door is slamming but I've just collapsed onto my bed.

Tears are pouring freely and I curl up into a ball, just wanting to die.

I can't watch him fade away. It was the only line I had written for my poetry assignment due on Monday. And it pops into my head at that moment. Again and again the words spin around in my head.

I suck back the tears and rub at my eyes. More words begin to swim around in my head, words to a poem I couldn't write all week.

_I don't know why I had such a hard time writing it before. Because I just sat there crying and the words spilled out. It probably wasn't any good and it would probably get a bad mark, but I liked it._

My tears stop flowing and my head's now hurting. I'm sitting at the computer desk in my room, staring at the words I typed on the screen. I sigh deeply as I hit the print button and listen as the printer starts humming.

It spits out the finished assignment and I stare at it. And suddenly I'm angry. At Kairi for nagging me. At my poetry teacher for assigning the damned thing. At my mother for treating me like a baby and not being home now. At Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie for not leaving me alone about Riku. And mostly, I'm angry at Riku. For looking like he does. For acting like he does. For making me love him. For letting me kiss him and then pushing me for it. For not being there for me anymore. For not being here with me. I'm mad at everyone and everything.

Shaking, I stand and move towards the nightstand beside my bed. My cell phone starts to vibrate against my outer thigh. I stop in front of my bed and reach into my pocket get my phone. I set it on vibrate every class period so it won't ring.

Without looking at the display to see who's calling, I drop it on my bed and reach down to open my dresser drawer.

And the next thing I know, I'm once again curled in a ball on my bed and I've lost my clothes, though I can't remember taking them off. My head hurts and I'm dizzy and I'm vaguely aware of the sharp pain in my thigh and the warm flow of liquid that's dripping down my leg. It tickles slightly. The same pain strikes my calf and my arm, and then my bare chest. And the same warm, tickling wet liquid flows down my skin. After a while, the cuts don't hurt anymore and I can't feel anything. I'm numb.

And the switchblade that's held against my wrist presses harder. And then I can't see anything.

_Oh! That shirt, by the way, is still hanging in my closet. And it still smells like him. And I don't think I'll ever tell him it's there. Not as long as I live..._

**We are even now crying out...**


	2. Fading Away

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. I own the poem. I wrote the poem. But let's pretend Sora did.

**Fading Away**

By Sora

This is my last goodbye, my final farewell  
I'll leave this place, my silent hell  
Life hasn't exactly been easy  
And I apologize if this sounds cheesy  
But I just can't take it another day  
I can't watch him fade away

Life for me no longer holds joy  
I miss being his little toy  
We've been best friends our whole lives  
Now we've been cut apart by knives  
I'm plagued with images of our play  
And I can't watch him fade away

Friends we were but I wanted more  
On us time just seemed to bore  
We drifted apart and I wanted to die  
But I was stuck living in this lie  
I long to touch but he's too astray  
Can't take watching him fade away

Everything just makes no sense  
It's my fault for being so dense  
Our journey ended and a new began  
Blown away by a fan  
Our world has begun to fray  
I can't stand watching him fade away

My heart is aching  
And my sanity breaking  
I can't seem to think  
Keep getting closer to that brink  
Can't suck it up and stay  
I refuse to watch him fade away

Engraved forever on my heart  
These scars tearing me apart  
If I were to live, I wouldn't last  
I simply can't change the past  
With all my heart, I mean what I say  
I can't watch the one I love fade away


	3. We Are Just Now Crying Out

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. And I still own the world's bitchiest cat. And still no one wants her.

**Chapter Warning:** Language, boy/boy kissing, suicide, blood, hospitals (ACK!), and yeah…

**Timeline:** Sora's part took place Tuesday morning through Friday afternoon. This chapter is Friday morning through Monday afternoon.

**Part 2**

**We Are Just Now Crying Out**

_**Tears**__. Tears and __**pain**__. Tears and pain and __**blood**__. Everywhere. __**Why?**__ I don't understand. Why would you do it? Why would you __**end**__ it like this? What were you __**thinking**__? What could have been going through your mind for you to do this? What __**happened**__ to you?_

"Riku! Hey RIKU!"

I slam the door to my jeep and turn. With a smile, I cross my arms and lean against the metal door as I see them.

_Irvine, Quistis, Nida, Shiva, and Siren; my new entourage. Irvine was taller than me. He had the longest brown hair I've ever seen, always in a ponytail. And the guy was always dressed like a cowboy, wearing these long coats, boots, and hats. He was always hitting on every girl in the school. And usually getting turned down. Quistis never went anywhere unless her blonde hair was done up and she was dressed to perfection. She was always professional. She was actually a year younger than the rest of us. She skipped her sophomore year, going straight from freshman to junior. Just about the smartest girl I've ever met. And Nida is her older brother by a year. They were exact opposites. He was good with tools and machines, but his academics were always slipping. And then there was Shiva and Siren. They were twins and they were both handfuls. Siren had long blonde hair that fell past her back. And she had a voice that could make anybody swoon. And she knew it. Both she and Shiva were big flirts, but Shiva was by far the worst. She had this oddly colored blue hair that hung down to her shoulders. Whenever anyone asked if it were natural, she'd always smile and say something along the lines of, "Wouldn't you like to know?" She dated a different guy weekly but mostly she just clung to me._

"Riku!" She calls again and throws her arms around me in a tight hug.

"Shiva, let go or you're going to make me late." I say quickly and attempt to pry her arms off.

_Yeah... she clung to me no matter how many times I turned her down. And there were countless times._

She loosens her grip a bit and moves her hands to my arm, latching tightly.

With a suppressed sigh, I turn towards the building. My gaze suddenly spots them and my legs refuse to move.

"Riku!" Shiva wines and tires to tug me forward. "You said it yourself! You don't want to be late!"

I give her a smirk. "Maybe I don't care if I am." And I step back. But my gaze lingers on the group of friends heading into the building. The ones I used to know so sell... "Sora..." And is escapes my lips without my knowledge.

_I don't know why it happened, really. It was just... easier, I guess. We got back to the island and the school wanted to put us to work right away. We were busy the rest of that school year and all through summer trying to catch up. I didn't mind though, because I wanted to be a senior, which that upcoming year I was supposed to be. So, I worked my ass off. And Sora and Kairi were always a grade under me. So... they were working together and I was working on my own. It was always like that during school. It was just easier to forget about them for a little while. I never meant for a little while to turn out to be that long though._

"Sore?" Shiva says. "I'm not sore at you silly!" She giggles and tosses her head back. "Now! Come on before we really are late!"

I let her pull me along right behind everyone else, but my thoughts linger a moment on a different time.

_By the time I realized it, it was too late to do anything about it. I had distanced myself too far from them. I didn't think they'd want me back either. They had their own group of friends and I had mine. It was just easier that way._

The bell rings signaling that first period is over. Smiling and waving goodbye to Irvine, I head out to my next class. I'm slightly surprised not to see Shiva waiting for me. She's in my next class and usually latches on as soon as I set out. I breathe out a sigh of relief, hoping she was in the bathroom or something. Maybe I can get to class without being groped in front of everyone in the hallway.

_And I thought too soon. Because I would have preferred the groping to be in the hallway. Shiva can just be..._

I turn the corner and head down the stairwell to the first floor where not only the freshmen lockers were located, but also my next class. I'm about to pass the boy's bathroom when an arm snakes out and grabs me. And suddenly I'm pulled into the very empty freshmen boy's bathroom.

_And you get three guesses as to who the arm belonged to. And the first two don't count._

Shiva throws her arms around my neck and pushes me against the door. My head knocks into the door and a pain shoots down my spine. She practically gags me with her tongue and slams her hips against mine. Neither action does much for me and I attempt to pry her off.

Shiva smiles coyly and moves her hands downward, cupping a certain part of my body that I would rather her not to.

I struggle to keep my voice from cracking as I push her hands away. "Shiva... the bell is going to ring."

She pouts and bends forward a bit, clearly trying to show off her abundant cleavage. "But Riku dear, the bell already rang. And we are already late..." She steps forward again.

I reach behind me and grab the door handle quickly. "And we have a Calculus test that we both have to pass in order to graduate."

_So what? I wasn't attacked to Shiva. So what if she was popular and slutty and adventurous and fun to hang out with... she was just a friend. Her having no affect on me whatsoever didn't mean anything. Certainly didn't mean I was like gay or something._

Literature sucks, if you ask me. Which is why I slept through it today. And now it's the last period of the day. Study Hall. Shiva and the others don't share this class with me, so I'm stuck in here alone. But a few people smile and wave as I walk to my seat. I return their acknowledgements and sit down. I pull out my Calculus homework and start silently cursing the teacher.

"Asshole..." I sigh and read the instructions at the top of the assignment page.

**The following problems require the use of the limit definition of a derivative.**

It takes nearly a half hour for me to complete the useless Calculus problems. I close the book with a smirk and push it aside. And now I'm bored. Sighing, I look around. I see Sora sitting across the room, staring down at the table. I smile despite myself and shake my head slowly. He was never one for school. It's good to know he hasn't changed. Or at least in that aspect.

Another person catches my sight. Cyndi Cuttlerman. Pretty. Smart. Popular. Hell... why not?

The instructor is asleep... again... Good for me. I get up and cross the room to Cyndi's empty table. "Hey Cyndi." I say casually and sit down.

Cyndi smiled and quickly closes the book she was reading. "Hello Riku."

"So Cyndi… what has life been throwing at you lately?"

"Me?" She giggles a bit and lowers her head. "Cheerleading mostly. And the dance committee…"

I smile and nod at what she says, but I'm not really paying attention to her words.

_All girls I've dated and talked to are pretty much the same. Ask them questions and they won't shut up ever. Talk to them as if you really care which nail polish matches their eyes or if this skirt makes their ass stick out. Or which member of the hit band Nobody's Fool is gay. Which, by the way, I know for a fact which ones, not one, are gay. The lead singer is as flaming as his red hair. And I know he has a thing for the blonde drummer. And the emo keyboardist and that bass player with the mullet… I'm pretty sure they're dating. Actually, I'm pretty sure they are all gay. I know them as well. Haven't seen them since we--Sora, Kairi, and I--got home... Anyways… I'm getting a bit off track. My point is that if I pretend to care, I can pretty much get any girl to do whatever I wanted. And no. I don't mean that in the way it sounds. Sure, I've dated my share of girls. Probably have the school's male population of girls… but my rods stays in my pants. Yes! There! I admitted it. I was a virgin at 18. Should have been my first guess, huh?_

"And I really would like to be a model, you know?"

It registers quickly in my head that she's stopped talking and is looking at me expectantly. "Yeah…" I nod and smile. "I could see you as a model. You have the personality and the brains for it."

"Really? You think?" She perks up.

Bingo. I nod again. "Not to mention you're just about the cutest girl in the school…"

She giggles and latches onto my arm.

I don't mind the contact too much and don't pull away. If it had been Shiva, on the other hand…

"Don't look now…" Her breath is on my ear and I realize she's leaned closer rather quickly. "But we have an audience…"

"Oh really?" An audience? Now what? "Who? And where?" I resist the urge to look around and find out myself. It certainly wouldn't be the first time admirers were flocking.

Cyndi inclines her head slightly. "The brunette at the table in front of us. What's his name? Sero?"

Sora? I smile and look over at the brunette. My eyes catch his and he looks down quickly. "Sora."

She giggles. "Yeah! That's it! A friend of yours?" She asks with interest.

I shake my head. "Not really. We hung out a few times before… but…" I shrug and look back to her. "Besides… I think he's just jealous."

_Jealous? If only I had known the extent of what I had just said._

"Really? Why do you say that?"

"Because…" I say slowly smirking. "He doesn't have a date with one of the prettiest, most talented, and popular girls in the school tomorrow night."

"Tomorrow night?" She repeats slowly. "That's the dance. Who are you going…" Something in her eyes spark. "Oh!" She blushes and lowers her head. "Well… Heath asked me last week… but we broke up a couple days ago…" She bit her lip. "I can't believe you don't have a date!"

I shrug. "I did, actually. Luna and I were supposed to go. But a family member passed away and she left yesterday with her family."

Cyndi nods slowly. "I had heard that… are you guys… going out…" She asks slowly.

With a smile I shake my head. "Nah. Just going as friends. Basically we agreed to go each other to fend off stalkers. Irvine wants her and Shiva wants me." I wave my hand and lean farther back in my chair. "Both can be really… clingy."

Cyndi giggles like it's a joke. "Makes sense. I'm guessing you haven't told Shiva you're dateless yet."

"Ah." I say smiling. "But I'm not, am I?"

Laughing, she shook her head. "No. But you'll have to meet me there. I have to go early since I'm on the committee."

_Ah… the biggest dance of the year other than the prom. It was called the Lazy Daze Dance. Yeah… corny name. Basically, it's all student set up. We raise the money and pick all the shit on our own. There's no teacher involvement and hardly any chaperons. No one dresses up. In fact, most of the girls dress down. Sounds pretty lame, huh? Sounds like any other dance to me. But to people like Cyndi, it was a pretty big deal. And I was expected to go. And when Luna had to cancel on me, I had to find a replacement fast. Or else I'd be cornered by Shiva. All night long. And I thought Cyndi would be a good replacement. I never did make it to the dance though. But I heard Heath showed up and they got back together anyways._

"Fine with me." I look up and see Sora again. "Cyndi, give me a piece of paper quickly."

She follows my gaze, then smiles and opens her notebook.

I scribble down a few words and then roll the paper into a ball. "See you tomorrow beautiful." I wink at Cyndi and see her blush. The bell isn't far from ringing. I look over at Sora again and he's still staring at the table. After making sure the instructor was still sleeping, I throw the crumpled paper in my hand at Sora's table. Then turning, I head back to my seat.

_I swear I was not looking for a confrontation. I honestly thought he liked Cyndi. And if he did, I wanted to try and goad him into asking her out. Hell… I didn't want to actually date her. I just wanted to keep Shiva away. And I though Sora needed a girlfriend. He and Kairi spend too much time together for a non-dating couple._

I hear his shuffling as I toss my books in my locker. I wipe the smile from my face and slam my locker shut. "What's your problem?"

"Huh?"

His nervousness and surprise catch me off guard. But I force a glare and roll my eyes. "I saw you in Study Hall today."

Sora's eyes widen and he looks even more nervous, almost like he was going to cry.

Does he think I'm going to hit him or something? I cross my arms and lean back slightly. "Well? You were glaring at me the entire time I was talking to Cyndi." I see confusion in his eyes and I continue. "Last time I checked, you weren't dating her. She's not your property." I tilt my head to the side, watching his facial expression. Maybe I had been wrong in my assumptions. "You're not dating any girl for that matter. I was sure you'd be banging Kairi."

_Okay. Thinking back on it… the comment about Kairi was going a step too far. I think I was just rambling by then. The whole situation went so different then how I saw it in my head. I honestly thought he had a thing for Cyndi._

"Wait a minute…" Sora holds up his hand. "You think I'm jealous of you and Cyndi? That I like Cyndi?" He laughs and shakes his head. "Okay, even if that were true, what right do you have to tell me I couldn't do anything about it?" He steps forward.

Yep. Looks like I was wrong. "So… you aren't after Cyndi? " I say, confirming that I am a complete idiot and take a step back.

Sora throws his arms up in exasperation. "No, Riku. I'm not the least bit interested in that slut."

He's in my face now and I want to smack him for calling Cyndi a slut. It's not her fault I made a judgment mistake. It certainly wouldn't be the first time I've ever done that. I narrow my eyes at him and something inside my brain twitches. He's too close. I shove him slightly.

"My problem?" Sora steps forward again, getting back in my face.

I see his hand lifting but I don't move to stop as he grabs me by the collar. It was Sora after all. How many times had I kicked his ass in sparing practices and game courts? Sure, he'd kicked my ass a couple times with that damn keyblade. But I didn't see…

I hear this sickening crack seconds after later and realize he's shoved me into my own locker. My head starts throbbing and I have to strain to concentrate on what he's saying. I think he's talking.

"You're my problem, you self absorbed asshole."

Asshole? My mind grips around that word and anger flares through me. I open by mouth to tell him exactly what I think.

My head hurts from the collision and I feel like I'm spinning and I'm vaguely aware of the lips pressing hard against mine and the tongue that's probing mine but I still feel like melting. I swear if that hand weren't holding me up, I would melt. I've never been kissed like this before.

A slight moan escapes me and I feel Sora press harder against me as he kisses me. And then it suddenly hits me. Sora. Sora is kissing me. Sora is kissing me in the middle of the fucking hallway at the fucking school.

My head is suddenly clear enough to focus. His hold on my shirt had slackened by then. I bring my arms up quickly and push him away. He staggers backwards a moment, his eyes still closed. And before I realize what I'm doing, I'm punching him as hard as I can across the jaw.

_Yeah... I may have overreacted a bit... or a lot probably... but I just had the best kiss of my entire fucking life and it was with a guy. And not just any guy at that, it had been Sora. And he had been in control. And I had let him. So yeah, I overreacted._

Sora lands hard on his ass, looking completely surprised and caught off guard. He looks nervous as he glances down the hallway and then back at me.

My knees feel weak and I just want to sit down for a second. Instead, I glare at him and wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. "Fucking faggot." I hiss in a voice that doesn't sound like it belongs to me. I suppress a shudder at it and turn down the hallway.

I'm shaking terribly and I have to will my legs to move until I'm out the door. I step towards the outside wall and lean against it for a moment. My chest tightens and for a second I can't breathe.

"Hey Riku!"

I look up to see Shiva and Siren standing in the parking lot not too far away. Taking a deep breath, I push away from the wall and approach them.

"Riku…" Siren says softly in her sing-song voice. "Honey… are you okay? You look terribly ill!"

And I felt it. I nod slowly. "Yeah… I don't feel good…" I wobble slightly on my unsteady legs. I just want to sit down for a second.

Shiva doesn't miss a beat as she runs forward and latches herself on my waist. "You poor thing! You don't even look like you can walk. We'll drive you home."

I shake my head. "No. I think I can manage…"

Siren shakes her head as she opens the passenger side door of their small mustang. "Get in and hush. And give me your keys."

I look at her a second before sighing and nodding. I fish around in my pocket and hand over my keys. Shiva detaches herself as I get in.

"Shiva, follow us in Riku's jeep." Siren tosses the keys to her sister and walks around to the driver's seat.

Shiva's mouth drops open. "What? Me? I want to drive him!" She stamps a foot.

I close my eyes and sink down in the seat.

"Shiva, I cannot drive that thing and you can. I will not be responsible for tearing up Riku's engine." I hear Siren say and silently pray Shiva doesn't argue.

I open my eyes as Siren gets in and closes the door. I look around out the windows but don't see Shiva. She must be going to the jeep. I sigh and rub at my temples, which were throbbing.

"So what happened?"

I shrug as she starts the engine and pulls out. "Food poisoning maybe."

_I still can't explain what happened. I didn't feel sick exactly. And I didn't fucking have food poisoning. I felt light headed, though. And my chest hurt inside. And I was grateful for Siren and Shiva. I'm not sure if I would have been able to walk in a straight line let alone drive._

"Really… I'll be fine!" I insist to the two glare sisters above me. "Really! I'm fine!"

Siren and Shiva exchange looks.

"Really!" I insist for like the millionth time.

Shiva drops to my couch and throws her arms around my neck. "If you need anything, call!"

I feel her purposely press her chest against mine. "Really Shiva. I'm fine." I breathe out in relief as she pulls away.

Siren grabs Shiva's hand and pulls her towards the door. "We'll see you at the dance tomorrow, right?" Siren pauses at the door.

I nod. "Yep. I'll be there with Cyndi."

"Cyndi?" Shiva gasps. "What about Luna?"

Siren pulls Shiva through the door and I laugh.

I hear their car pull away and I shake my head. I reach for the remote and flick on the TV. And there is nothing on that I want to watch. I switch it over to some mindless cartoon about a yellow sponge and lay down on the cough.

I think I've fallen asleep because suddenly the clock says 4:30 and my phone is ringing. I sit up and yawn as I fish in my pocket. I pull it out and stare at it a moment before my eyes fully focus.

_I didn't want to answer it. I wanted to lie back down and go to sleep. It's a good thing though that I didn't._

I stare at the cell phone ringing in my open hand. The display reads 'Kairi Cell' and I shake my head slowly. It had been so long since she or Sora had called me. I'd forgotten I still had their numbers programmed into my cell. I don't feel like answering. I don't really want to talk to her. I'd much rather just close my eyes and drift off... But I flip it open anyways and press it to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hey Riku. It's been a while..." She sounds hesitant.

I smile slightly and lean back against the couch. I lift the remote and start channel surfing again. "Yeah, it has."

I can hear her sigh. "Listen Riku, I know I probably shouldn't be bothering you, but I have a favor to ask."

I hit the off button on the remote and the screen goes black. "What's up Kairi?"

_And just like that, I was sucked back into their world. It was so easy too. She called and said do me a favor, and I was ready to jump. _

"Well... I'd understand if you say no and I'm probably just worrying over nothing... But you know me! Or at least you used to. So in this case... you remember me. Unless you've completely and utterly have totally forgotten everything that we've..."

"Kairi!" I interrupt her rambling. "Just spit it out already, okay? You have to at least give me a chance to say no."

"Oh!" She's laughing nervously. "I... well I'm on the road with my mom."

"Can you not talk then?" I stand up and head towards the kitchen. My chest doesn't hurt anymore. And my legs are working again. I smile slightly.

"Not for much longer. We stopped for a bathroom break. We're heading up to see my aunt who's in the hospital."

I grab a soda from the fridge and let the door slide shut as I turn towards the counter. "Is she okay?" I set the can down and lean slightly on the counter, listening intently. And I have to admit, it is nice talking to her again.

"Not exactly. My mom was supposed to be going up by herself but then she got a call from her brother. Aunt Decca took a turn for the worst this morning."

"I'm sorry to hear that." I pop the tab on the can and it snaps off.

"I really don't know her that well. She didn't get along with the family much. I think I've only met her once. But that's not the reason I called. It's Sora."

"Sora?" I repeat, nearly dropping the can that I had just picked up. "What's wrong with Sora?" I could hear the squeak in my voice and I silently curse myself, hoping she doesn't notice.

"See, we planned this movie date tonight at my house because my parents were going to be gone. Mom was going to visit aunt Decca in the hospital and dad was off on a business trip. So he was going to come home with me. But he didn't because he said something about needing to talk to a teacher after school..."

I shift slightly, glad that this was a phone call and not face to face. I could feel the blush threatening my cheeks. Sora didn't meet with a teacher after school today.

"He was supposed to come over at like 5." Kairi continues over the phone. "But as soon as I got home, mom was getting ready to leave and said I had to come with her and that dad was going to meet us there. I tried to call Sora to tell him, but he wouldn't answer his phone."

"Wait..." I lift my hand in surprise. "You're worried because he didn't answer his phone?"

"Well... yeah! You know Sora... well... you remember Sora, right?"

_Yeah, I knew him alright. I knew how sweet his mouth tasted and how forceful he could be when he was upset and how good he felt pressed up against me. Yeah, I would say that I remembered him pretty well._

"He always answers his phone!" I hear Kairi insist desperately. "He's not supposed to come over for another half hour."

"So? What do you want me to do about it?" I snap at her without meaning to.

"I want you to go to his house."

My eyes widen slightly. "What? Why?"

"He's not answering the phone!"

"So?" I'm starting to get a little tired of this conversation.

"He doesn't know he's not supposed to come over! Just go and tell him for me! Please!"

"Kairi, I don't think..."

"Riku! I know you're a selfish prick now, but there was a time when you'd do anything for Sora and me. Just do me this little favor and call me back, okay?"

I pull the phone away from my ear after she hangs up. My mouth is hanging open and my eyes are wide as I stare at it. Is that really what she thinks of me? And Sora too? I feel a sickening lump form in my throat.

_I would have gone even if she hadn't begged me to and insulted me. The truth was I actually wanted to see Sora. I wanted to apologize and make sure he was okay. I'm not the complete ass I appear to be, really. Like I said earlier, it was just easier that way, to pull away. I couldn't hurt him anymore and he couldn't hurt me. And it was working too, until he kissed me that is..._

The phone rings and rings in my ear but there's no answer. I sigh as I lift the cell from my ear and flip it closed. It makes a dull pinging sound as it does so. I start to feel nervous that he didn't answer, even though Kairi just told me he didn't answer her. All I can think about is what happened earlier.

But maybe he's not home yet, my mind reasons. Maybe he's still at the school… But even as I think it, I know that's not true. I can't explain it, but I just feel that he's home and not answering his cell phone on purpose.

I tuck a stray piece of hair behind my ear as I think about it. Of course Sora wouldn't answer my call, not after what I did.

_And I'll be the first one to admit that I reacted badly but I had my reasons. It was Sora, of all people. One minute he's yelling at me and calling me an asshole and the next he's kissing me. I was surprised. And I was pissed. It was Sora! And he was a guy! And he kissed me! And he shouldn't have. If it was going to happen, it should have been me. I should have been the one in charge. But, if I was being completely honest, most of all it freaked me out. No one had ever kissed me like that. And I liked it. I really liked it. And I'm pretty sure he could tell that I liked it. I don't know. Maybe I jumped at the chance to go check on Sora hoping he might try it again. Maybe I was just another horny teenage boy. Or maybe, subconsciously, I knew he needed me. Either way, I went. And it was probably the single worst day of my life._

It takes me about ten minutes to get to his house. I notice quickly that his mother's car is indeed gone. Sighing slightly, I turn off the engine and climb out. I look up at the house I used to know so well. How long had it been since I was there? A month? No... three? Four? How long since I was _really _here?

I sigh again and head up onto the porch. I knock on the door. But no surprise when I get no answer. I knock again, more heavily this time. Again, no answer. I touch the door knob and find that it's unlocked. Twisting it, the door opens easily. "Sora?" When I get no answer, I push the door further open and look inside. All the lights are off and it's pretty quiet. I quickly shut the front door and start looking around.

"Sora?" I call out, checking the living room for signs of life. "It's Riku..." Like duh... "Kairi called me worrying that you didn't get her message. She had to go north with her family at last minute." I leave the living room and move to the kitchen. "She like practically begged me to come over and tell you in person." No one in the kitchen. "Sora? Are you even fucking home? I feel like I'm talking to myself..." Sighing, I move towards the steps that go upstairs.

"Sora?" I linger on the stairs, guilt creeping up on me. "Look... I'm sorry about earlier..." I take a step up. "I overreacted a bit..." Another step up. "You just... caught me a bit off guard..." I'm halfway up now. "And I freaked a bit." Almost at the top. "I didn't mean what I said..." I'm on the second floor now. "None of it. That shit about Cyndi... I thought you liked her or something... I was trying to make you jealous enough to ask her out." I turn towards his bedroom door and see that it's propped open a bit and that the light is on. "Sora... come on! Talk to me damnit!" I step towards the door. "I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you. And that I punched you. And yelled. And called you... you know... I didn't mean it... I didn't even..." I'm at his door now and reach out to push the door open.

"Sora?" I see him on his bed, his back to me. It looks like he's sleeping or something, on top of his blankets. And I can tell right away that he still sleeps naked. Rolling my eyes, and take a step into his room. "Look Sora... I..." He doesn't move. "Sora..." Again, nothing. "Damnit Sora..."

_I was standing over him. I was fucking standing over him wasting fucking precious time and I didn't even see yet. How could I have not seen it? The red! It was everywhere. But I guess... thinking about it... I never did think about it. Sora was always a happy-go-lucky person. He had always loved life to its fullest. So something like that had never crossed my mind._

"Please..." I reach out to touch his shoulder. My hand quickly recoils as something wet and sticky clings to my fingers. I turn my hand over and my eyes widen instantly. Blood...

_I think my heart stopped beating then._

I reach out to him again. And it feels like it's taking forever. I can't seem to reach him. My fingers finally grasp his shoulder again and I pull, rolling him on his back. My eyes glue themselves on the deep gash on his chest. And the dried blood around it. And the blanket underneath him that it soaked. And the switch blade laying discarded beside him. And… I think I really am sick.

_I don't remember much after that. Everything happened too fast and I didn't stop for even two seconds. I remember checking for his pulse and barely feeling it. I remember checking to see if he was breathing. Again, it was barely. I think I called the hospital after that. And I know I called Sora's mom, though I can't remember what I said to her. I must have called Kairi at some point too because she showed up the next day. But I honestly can't remember the phone conversations. I do remember climbing into Sora's bed while we waited for the ambulance…_

I can't take my eyes off of his face. His eyes are closed and something about his expression looks… peaceful… I don't want to touch him. I'm afraid of hurting him more that I already had… But I never could be reasonable.

"Sora…" My voice is so soft it sounds like a stranger's. I move to the end of his bed and slowly and carefully climb up beside him. "They're coming Sora." Again it's a voice that doesn't belong to me.

Gingerly, I edge closer and without thinking, I lift him and cradle him in my arms. His skin feels clammy and cold. "Remember Sora? Back when we were little? We'd sneak out of the house late at night and sit on the paopu tree all night. And then we'd sneak back in our rooms right before sunrise…" My voice squeaks as I talk. "And then we'd be tired the next day at school. And get in trouble." I smile. "Remember that time when we were… what… eight or something… I spent the night at your house and we climbed out your window and your mom caught us… and she said I couldn't come over for a week. We showed her, didn't we? Do you think she knew I climbed in your window every night…"

_I sat there like that holding him until the ambulance came, just talking. I can't remember everything I said. But I thought if I kept talking, he'd hear me, you know? And he'd come back. So I just kept talking._

"Riku is it?"

I'm sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. I've been here, waiting for over two hours. And so far, no one will talk to me. Some shit about not being family. I shake my head slowly, attempting to force my head to clear. It doesn't work and I look up at the officer. I nod slowly.

"I'd like to ask you some questions." He says softly.

I nod again and lower my head. "Is he okay? They won't tell me anything…"

The officer seems to think it over a moment. "I'll go find out…"

I look up and follow him with my eyes until he turns the corner. I sigh and lean further down in the chair. There's dried blood on my clothes. It's on my hands and arms too. I think it's on my face too. I felt it earlier, drying and caking up. I must have tried to wipe the tears away earlier after…

The officer stands in front of me again. "He's stable at the moment." I hear him say. "But he lost a lot of blood. The next couple of days will tell."

I nod slowly and suddenly there are tears in my eyes again.

"Now… I need you to tell me what happened."

I sigh and go over the details of Kairi's phone call and going to Sora's house. I tell him about searching the house and finally going up stairs. I recall what I can about finding him. Parts of it seem hazy. But I think he believes me. He's patting me on the back. And then he's thanking me and walking away.

_I didn't tell the police about the incident at school earlier that day. It wasn't exactly lying. But I guess it might still be considered withholding evidence or some stupid shit. Deep down I knew it was all my fault. But at that moment… I just couldn't handle the acquisitions._

"Can I please see him? Just for a few minutes?" I'm standing in front of the room where I've been told he is. A large nurse is blocking the doorway. "Please!"

She looks me up and down a few minutes before sighing and stepping to the side. "Just for a few minutes. It's rather late though. You should get home quickly. I must warn you… he can't…"

I don't listen to her words anymore. She had said yes. That is all that matters to me. I push past her and practically run to Sora's bed. I swallow the lump in my throat as I look at him. He's lying on his back, covered in white hospital blankets. His eyes are closed and he looks so small on that big bed. Wires and machines surround him, reading things I couldn't quite understand.

"Sleeping, huh?" I say soft. I reach out slowly and brush my fingers along his jaw. He's not so cold anymore. I glance around the room quickly. Behind me there's a chair. Grabbing it, I move it as close to the bed as I can get. Suddenly, I'm tired and I can't stand anymore. I sink down into the chair and lean my arms beside Sora on the bed.

"Sorta reminds me of the time I broke my leg." I say with a smile and yawn. "When I tried to climb to the top of the damn paopu tree." I lay my head down. "And I was in the hospital for a couple days." My eyes close. "And you wanted to have a sleep over… and ended up falling asleep in the chair…"

"Riku?"

I feel someone shaking my shoulders. I bat them away and snuggle closer to the body beside me.

"Riku? Wake up! It's Kairi."

"Go away Kairi! We don't want to play." I say, still refusing to wake up.

I hear her giggle and I feel her hand brush over my hair. My eyes finally open. For a second, I can't see everything. It's too bright. I blink away the whiteness and slowly begin to refocus. I'm in the hospital… I fell asleep last night… in Sora's room...

Sora! I then I feel the hands on my arm. Looking down, I realize I'm lying in Sora's hospital bed. And the brunette has his hands around my arm. I sit up slowly, careful not to jostle him. "Kairi… how long have you been here?"

She smiles and sits down in the chair I fell asleep in. "For about an hour."

"What time is it?"

She glances down at the watch on her wrist. "Just after 6 in the morning."

I nod slowly. "I thought you were up with your aunt."

"I was." She says nodding. "But after you called I convinced dad to drive me back. It took most of the night." She sighs softly. "He dropped me off and had to turn right back around." She pauses a moment. "I got a call from Rain a few minutes ago…" She was biting her lip.

"Yeah?" I wondered last night when Sora's mom would show up. "Is she… here…" I ask slowly. I didn't want to see her.

Kairi shakes her head. "She was planning on not coming back for a while. She had trouble finding a flight back at such short notice. And she lost her purse with her ticket. She ended up finding it right before it was announced that the flight was delayed." Kairi shook her head slowly. "When I last talked to her, she was at some airport waiting on another flight. It will probably be a couple more hours before she gets to the island."

I swallow and nod.

"Have you been here all night?" Kairi asks slowly.

"Yeah…" My eyes meet hers. "I didn't want to leave him alone… in case he woke up… and… I fell asleep in that chair…" I nod towards her. "How I got here…" I point down to the bed. "I have no clue."

She smiles. "Well… I'm sure Sora appreciates it. But maybe you should go home for a bit. You look awful." She looks me up and down. "Get cleaned up and get something to eat."

"Clean up…" I say slowly. "Yeah…" I slide off the edge of the bed and turn to unlatch myself from the sleeping brunette. "You make sure to call me if he does wake up. Or if anything happens. Okay?"

Kairi smiles and nods. "I will."

"I'll be back in two hours, tops."

_I had to admit it; Kairi was good at being a mother hen. I did need a shower. And a change of clothes. Not to mention my stomach was growling. But I didn't go to my house. I headed to Sora's first. I couldn't let his mom come home to his room. No mother should have to see that. The police had taken pictures of the room and took the switch blade as evidence or something. But the bed was still a mess. I stuffed everything in a trash bag and stashed the bag in the garage. And then I went back upstairs. And I found the poem he wrote. I called Kairi up and she briefly told me about the poetry class Sora was taking._

My eyes scan the words on the printed page and my chest starts to hurt. I didn't realize the extent of what was going through Sora's mind. But now… "Fuck…" I breathe out. I drop the paper and run from the room. I really was the cause, wasn't I?

I don't stop running until I'm at my own house. My movements are nearly automatic as I take a shower, throw on clean clothes, and satisfy my empty stomach.

I look up as my phone rings. It's sitting about a foot from me on the counter. Swallowing, I reach for it. Kairi. "Hello? Kairi? Is he okay?" I ask quickly without giving her a chance to answer.

"Sora's fine Riku." She says quietly. "But there is a slight problem... his mother just showed up… and she's waving some paper around…"

"What?" I don't quite understand what she's talking about.

"She says Sora left some sort of suicide note… and..." She pauses. "She thinks it's your fault."

"WHAT?!" I gasp and my chest tightens.

"She's told the nurses not to let you in the see him…"

Suddenly I can't breathe and my knees feel weak.

"She's been ranting about it since she got here… Riku… what exactly happened?"

_I told Kairi about Friday. I told her about Study Hall. And about the confrontation at my locker. And yes. I told her that he kissed me. And that Shiva and Siren drove me home. Sora's mother wouldn't let me in to see him anymore on that Saturday. Or on Sunday. Kairi kept me informed though. I jumped every time my phone rang. Most of the time it was Shiva or Cyndi. I had completely forgotten about the dance Saturday night. Sora didn't wake up while I was kept away. I was torn when I heard that. I wanted him to wake up and be okay. But at the same time, I wanted to be there when he did. To apologize… to beg to forgiveness… to… I don't know… I just want our old life back. I want everything to be okay. I want Sora to be okay. I want to be okay._

"You want to transfer classes now? It's nearly two months into the school year."

It is Monday morning. And I am sitting in the Principal's office. By choice. I nod my head. "Yes, I know that Principal Dirtri."

The older woman shakes her head and leans forward slightly. "The time of the class conflicts with your Calculus class."

"Yes is does." I say softly.

She looks at me like I'm stupid. "You do know that that means you will have to switch classes. And that you won't earn the mathematics credit from the Calculus class…" She says slowly.

"Yes I know that." This woman must really think I'm an idiot. Of course I know what all this means. I've done the math.

"You will be one mathematics credit short of graduating then."

I nod for what seems like the millionth time.

"You will have to repeat your senior year then."

I lean forward, tired of this circle. "Yes, Principal Dirtri. I've done the math, so to speak. I know that by dropping the class I won't graduate. And before you ask me why, I have my personal reasons and would not care to talk about them. Grade wise, the class is fine. But I no longer want to take it. If there is no way for me to transfer, I will just completely drop out of it and quit going. So either way, I will be here next year." By the end, my voice has risen slightly. But I lean back in the chair and wait for her to say something.

She sighs after a few minutes and turns to root around. She produces a few papers and slides them across her desk. "Here are the forms you will have to fill out. You will also have to get permission from Miss. Heartilly to transfer into her class so late in the semester."

I nod and stand up. "Thank you, Mrs. Dirtri." I reach out for the papers and she grabs my hand.

"I got a call from Sora Tottori's mother earlier this morning."

I flinch visibly at his name.

"She told me the basics of what happened and that he won't be back to school for a while." She pauses a moment. "I understand you had something to do with it…"

I wrench my arm again and grab the papers. "Thank you for your help." I say quickly, fighting the urge to scream at her. "I will speak with Miss. Heartilly right away and get the forms turned in."

_I don't know who's a bigger bitch. Mrs. Dirtri for bringing it up like that or Sora's mother for insinuating that I was involved. I mean… she made it sound like I was the one holding the blade against his skin! I wasn't even fucking there! I was asleep. And where the hell was she anyways? Out of town! If it hadn't been for me… Sora would have… I was the one that found him… I was the one that held him and called his name… I called the hospital! I called his mother! I cleaned up the mess! I stayed with him all night in case he woke up alone in that damned place! ME! _

"You're positive you want to do this?"

I nod and turn to look at the black haired teacher. I silently willed her not to push it. I'm tired of fighting. I've done it enough today.

She nods and smiles and scribbles on the forms I gave her. "Great! It would be a pleasure to have you in my class!" She's practically beaming.

"Really?" I straighten up in the chair and can't hide my surprise. "Even this late into the semester?"

She nods. "You haven't missed much." She turns around to get something.

I shake my head slowly. After the confrontation with the Principal, I hadn't expected this to be so easy.

"We've gone through the first three chapters of the text book." She places a book on the desk and pushes it towards me. "At the end of each chapter there are a couple exercises…"

I reach into my backpack to grab a notebook and scribble down her instructions.

Nearly an hour passes before she finishes. "Well… that's about it, I suppose. You are at a slight disadvantage, starting late, but if it becomes a problem at any time, make sure to come and see me."

I nod and begin to gather my things together.

"Welcome to Introduction to Poetry!" She smiles and hands me a sheet of paper. "Take your time with the other assignments and give this one a try first. It's the one I assigned last week."

I accept the paper and scan it. "Oh… yeah… I nearly forgot…" I grab a folder out of my bag and pull a paper out of it. "One of the students in the class…" I say slowly. "Sora… he had… an accident and will be in the hospital for a while… I believe this is his assignment. I think he'd want it turned in on time…"

Miss Heartilly takes the paper and nods. "Principal Dirtri informed me of the incident. And I thank you for turning this in for him." She smiles sadly. "When you see Sora, tell him he better get back as soon as he can." She says sternly. "I can't have him getting behind in class."

"I will." I smile for the first time in what seems like years. "Thank you."

_Sora's mother was right. It was my fault. And I have to live with the fact I was what drove Sora to this. It is my fault. And so help me…_


	4. Hero

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. I own the poem. I wrote it. Although you're supposed to think Riku wrote it.

**Hero**

By Riku

What makes someone a hero  
Isn't always so black and white  
It's not the costumes you wear  
Or the bad guys you fight  
It's not the super powers  
Or always doing right  
It's not always happy smiles  
Or living in the light

What makes you a hero  
Is the heart beating in your chest  
The love you feel for your friends  
And how you always do your best  
You're handsome and strong  
Of that there's no contest  
But what really matters  
Is how you passed my test

What makes you my hero  
Beyond a shadow of a doubt  
Is how you saved my life  
When I had no way out  
You called my name  
I heard you utter and shout  
Unless with you  
I am without

You are my hero  
My savior and my soul  
You complete me  
The other half to my whole  
You kissed my lips  
And my heart you stole  
When I'm around you  
Myself I can't control

* * *

**Author's Notes**: I had the first 2 parts and poems done so decided to post them all at once instead of staggering. There will be another part, possibly 2, but updates will be very slow.

I


	5. We Are Still Crying Out

**Part 3**  
**We Are Still Crying Out**

I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't remember how I got here. All I know is that my head hurts. Not like hurt, hurt. Just like that dull ache that keeps you awake. Everything else feels numb. And groggy, like I can't control my limbs. I can't wake up. I can hear voices, but I don't recognize them or understand them. And suddenly I'm tired again.

_It was really weird that first time I woke up. I kid you not, I remembered nothing. Not a damn thing. Last thing I remembered was getting that assignment in poetry class. The rest of the week was a blur for a while._

My eyes finally flutter open, but my vision is blurry. It's dark and it's quiet and I blink a few times until my eyes focus. Where am I? What happened? Through the darkness, I can make out a few things in the room. Chairs. Tables. An empty bed. A curtain. Weird, metal things on the wall that are too far away to make out.

A hospital. I'm in a hospital room.

I lift my left hand to rub at my forehead and realized my right is weighed down. In the dim light, or lack of light, I can just make him out. And my heart starts fluttering. He's lying in bed. Beside me. Half on top of me.

_I should have been more worried about waking up in a hospital with no memory of how I got there. Instead, I was more concerned with the hard body asleep against mine._

I can hear voices again. Mom's, I think. And Kairi's. I listen harder and hear another I don't know.

"The progress is slow, but it's there, Miss Tottori."

Progress?

"The last brain scan shows no damage."

Brain scan? Damage?

"We just have to be patient and wait for him to wake up."

Wake up? My mind is full of questions as that voice disappears and I miss what my mom said. Kairi must be answering her.

"Yes, Miss Tottori. I promise I'll call if anything happens."

Happens?

"Go and run your errands." I hear Kairi answer, followed by shuffling and a door opening and closing.

I open my eyes and I see her, her back to me. I try and sit up slowly and shake my head. It feels heavy and groggy. "Kairi?"

She spins towards me, her eyes wide. "Sora!" She screams and launches herself towards the bed. "You're finally awake!"

I look around the room. It's brighter in here. Someone must have turned the light on. But it's empty. "Where's Riku?" I didn't imagine him, did I?

Kairi shifts uneasily on her feet. I can see her hesitating. "You're mom hasn't let him in since she got here."

"What? But he was just here!"

She's shaking her head and looking at me funny. "Sora… it's been nearly a week since he was here." There are tears in her eyes now. "You've been in a coma. We were afraid you weren't going to wake up."

My mind is spinning again and I close my eyes. Suddenly the lights are too bright and everything hurts.

"Sora… Sora!"

I hear the worry in her voice but suddenly I can't move again.

_I read somewhere that some people have these weird, elaborate, life-altering dreams when they are in a coma. And what did I remember dreaming about? My 6__th__ birthday party. The party had been on the beach and my mother had hired a clown. That was a first for me. I had never seen a clown before. The damn guy looked like a demon, fresh out of hell. He smelled funny and had this high-pitched, shrieking laughter. Scared the living shit out of me. And I ran, screaming, back to my house and locked my bedroom door. Riku had been a step behind me and somehow managed to get in my room before me. How he managed to climb into my window I'll never know. But he was there, sitting on my bed and laughing. "Widdle baby Sora." He had called me. And we wrestled over it. And he beat me. And my mom found us, laughing together, soon after. And she fired the clown and convinced me to go back to the party. And that's what I dreamed about. Life-altering experiences and I relive a birthday in which a clown traumatized me._

I hear a phone ring and I must have fallen asleep because it's darker in the room when I open my eyes again.

"Riku! Finally! I've been calling you all day!"

Riku's? Kairi's talking to Riku?

"Yeah, he woke up this morning." I hear her pause. "Just for a few minutes. He asked where you were…" Silence again. "I don't know. I don't think he does." Again. "No, I haven't called her yet. The doctor checked him out again. Some nonsense about the shock exhausting him." More silence. "I really don't know when. I was hoping to try and talk to him before she gets back."

I want to listen more, but my throat hurts. It's dry and scratchy and feels like I haven't had a drink in weeks. "Kairi?" My voice is hoarse as I try and sit up.

"Sora!" She turns around and relief floods her face. "I gotta go. He's awake." She steps towards me. "I will." She flips her phone closed and slips it in her pocket.

I cough and she hurries out the door. I watch, dumfounded, until she returns a second later with a plastic cup in her hand. I smile as she lifts the cup to my lips. It's not exactly cold, but it's not warm either and it feels good on my sore throat.

"Thanks." I say softly after draining the cup.

"Do you want more?"

I shake my head.

"Do you need anything else?"

I shake my head again and rub at my forehead.

"Does your head hurt? I'll get the doctor."

I reach out and grab her arm before she can get too far. "No. I feel fine… I think."

_And it was mostly true. My head did hurt, but only lightly. Mostly I felt…it's weird to describe. I guess I felt sore and stiff. Everywhere. If what Kairi told me that morning was true, then I had been in that bed, unmoving for a week. So I guess I felt like I hadn't moved in a week. It was a weird sensation. It didn't hurt exactly, but I could feel it all the same._

"What happened?"

She looks at me for a minute before sighing and pulling a chair closer to the bed. "What do you remember?"

I shrug. "I remember going to school on Monday. I remember getting that poetry assignment. You teased me about it." I pause, trying to recall something else. Why couldn't I? I sigh. "I remember waking up at some point and seeing Riku here. Then I guess… this morning?"

Kairi nods her head slowly. "Well all that did happen. But you're missing a bit."

"Okay then." I say. "So what? Fill in the blanks."

"I don't know if I should…" She's saying slowly, shaking her head.

"Come on, Kairi. I'm dying here." I smile despite myself.

"That's not funny." She says but I can see the smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. But I can tell she's giving in. "Fine. Do you remember anything about Friday?"

I shake my head.

"Friday you and I were going to hang out together, celebrate our coming home anniversary."

I nod slowly. I remember the anniversary, I think. Not so sure about the plans.

"You… uh… you told me you had to meet with a teacher after school."

I nod again.

"Only you didn't meet with a teacher."

"I didn't?"

She's shaking her head slowly. "That was the last time I saw or heard from you. The rest I found out from…" She looks away.

"From who?" I press when she doesn't answer. "From Riku, right? I was with Riku?"

"Sort of." She sighs. "Okay. You met with Riku after school. Some misunderstanding about some girl he thought you were jealous about."

"Me? Jealous? Of a girl involved with Riku?" I laugh. "Yeah right. Like I could take a girl from Riku."

Kairi's not laughing with me.

"Okay. So what… we argued?"

She nods. "Riku said it got pretty heated. He said you pushed him into the locker."

My mouth drops open.

"Oh it gets better." I can hear the sadness in her voice. "You kissed him."

My eyes widen and I can feel my cheeks grow hot. I drop my gaze to my hands in my lap. "I kissed him?" I repeat softly. I kissed Riku? The guy I'd been in love with for years? "Oh gawd!" I groan and slide down in the hospital bed.

"You want me to stop?"

"No!" I say and drape my arm over my eyes. She's silent and I can practically feel her hesitation in the air. "Kairi…"

"He shoved you and left. Said he went home, watched TV and I called him. When I got home I found out my mother was dragging us all up to see my sick aunt last minute. I tried to call you to cancel but you didn't answer. So I did the only thing I could think of. I called Riku and asked him to go over to your house."

I try to remember but her words don't make sense.

"He went over… and… he found you. You… you tried to… to kill yourself." She's crying now. "Why? Why would you do that Sora?"

"I don't remember." I mumble.

"Sora…"

I roll over on my side, away from her. "I'm tired."

"Okay."

I hear her get up and leave the room. And I'm alone. And I'm scared. And I just want to see him. Surely this is all a dream. I'll just go to sleep and when I wake up, it'll be last week.

_Can't blame a guy for hoping he was dreaming when he finds out his world has ended. Does that sound a bit overdramatic? It probably is. But hey, give me a break! At the time I couldn't remember. Pretty fucked up._

I hear voices and open my eyes to a nurse. "Sorry to wake you sweetie. But I need to change your bandages." I nod and watch as she lifts the blanket off me. How had I not noticed before? The bandages are massive. My whole chest is covered, from just under my armpits to a few inches above my navel. Both of my forearms are wrapped, my right more heavily.

She starts prodding lower and I lay my head back down and close my eyes. I feel her lift my leg and she begins unwrapping my calf.

"Does this hurt?" Her fingers are slightly cold but there's no pain.

"No."

I hear rustling and she's on the other side of me. She lifts my other leg and repeats, again asking if it hurts and it doesn't. She moves onto my arms, right first and then left. "Now I need you to sit up for me."

I nod and she helps me. "How's it… uh… look?"

She removes the last of the bandages and smiles. "They're all healing nicely. Most should heal rather quickly. If you're lucky, most of the scars will fade overtime."

I nod slowly, only half hearing her.

"I'd like to have your doctor look at these, see if he wants to re-bandage or let them breathe."

I nod and watch as she slips out the door. It closes behind her. "Scars…" My voice is soft and even I can hear the nervousness in it. And suddenly I want a mirror. I slip out of the bed but before I can touch the floor, my knees buckle. I let out a groan as I lift myself up off the floor.

"Guess I've been in that bed too long." I mumble. I move slowly and it's taking forever but the feeling comes back as I reach the small bathroom. There's a mirror but it's small and above the sink. I pout as I step towards it and stand on my toes.

_I was too afraid to just simply look down. Each cut was easily visible but I just couldn't bring myself to look down at them. Crazy, I know. The next couple of days went by. They weren't uneventful, to say the least. My mother stayed glued to my side once she found out I was awake. She screamed and cried a lot and didn't believe me when I say I didn't remember what happened. She kept asking me why over and over again and I had no answer for her. She wouldn't let me call Riku and she wouldn't let him in to see me. She was convinced he was the problem. And okay, so maybe in a way he was. But it's not his fault I fell in love with him. Hell, he didn't fucking know about it! It was none of her damn business._

"Honey, please talk to me!"

I sigh and suddenly feel guilty. "I'm sorry mom." I say and feel the tears coming. "I'm so sorry I'll put you through this. You shouldn't have to worry about me. And the work you've missed…"

She sinks down on the bed beside me and wraps her arms around me. "Honey. I'm not worried about me or my job. I'll be fine and I can always get another job. You I can't replace. I love you, Sora. You just concentrate on you and get better."

_Okay. So yes. It is her business. Sort of. She's my mother. And parents are always going to worry, huh? It's just in their programming. And I do love her to death._

"So when can I go home?" It's Tuesday morning and I've been awake, in this room, for 3 days. I think I'm going crazy!

"Physically you're fine." The doctor is saying.

I smile but my mom looks at me doubtfully. "But?" She says, looking back to the doctor.

"But, as with all suicidal patients…"

"I'm not suicidal!" I interrupt.

"Sora let the doctor finish." Mom looks tired.

I sigh and lower my head and Kairi scoots her chair closer to the bed. She takes my hand and squeezes it. I smile at her.

"What do we have to go to get him out of here?" I watch as mom stands up and walks over to stand next to the doctor. I hate being talked about like I'm not in the room. But if it gets me out of here faster, then I can keep my mouth shut. Suddenly I feel grateful that she's there.

"He'll have to meet with our psychiatrist and she'll have to sign off on him leaving. She'll set up some sort of appointment schedule. How often will be up to her."

I sign and shake my head. Therapy? Really? Am I that fucked up?

"When's the earliest we can get this done?"

"This afternoon."

Yeah, I guess I am. I sigh and lean back in the bed. Mom continues to talk with the doctor and I lean my head closer to Kairi. "Hey Kairi." I whisper so only she can hear me.

She steals a quick glance at my mom and the doctor, like she can read my mind that I don't want them to head, and then leans closer to me. "Yeah?"

"Can I borrow your phone? When my mom leaves the room?"

She looks at me funny and tilts her head to the side. "Why?"

I cast a sideways glance at my mom to make sure she hasn't noticed us whispering yet. "I need to talk to Riku."

"Sora…" She takes on a motherly tone. "Your mom doesn't want you to see him right now."

"Kairi!" I can feel my mouth drop open. I can't believe she's agreeing with her.

"I think you should wait. With what happened…"

"He did nothing!" I hiss. "Can I use your phone or not?"

She looks away from me but she shakes her head no.

And I'm furious with her.

_It was one thing for my mom to forbid me from seeing Riku. She's my mother. She raised me. She took care of me. And she spent how long worrying when I vanished from the islands? Her I could deal with. Whether I snuck away when she wasn't watching or just used my cell phone once I got back home. But Kairi? She's supposed to be my friend. My best friend. And Riku's. Why would she agree with mom? Why would she try to keep me from talking to Riku? But I guess she had her reasons. I was pretty bad off for a while. I scared the shit out of everyone. So yes. I forgave her. And quickly. Though she still refused to let me use her phone._

Kairi has her hand around my waist, acting like I need help walking. I laugh and throw my arm around her to hug her closer. "I can walk perfectly fine. I was only stiff for like a day."

She sticks her tongue out at me and drags me down the hall. "Here. I think this is the office."

I look at the nameplate next to the door. "Dr. Michelle Whick." I read. "Yep. She's going to shrink me."

Kairi's laughing. "Then I can carry you in my pocket."

I roll my eyes and peek my head in. "Dr. Whick?"

For an older woman, Dr. Whick is pretty. Her brunette hair is peppered with gray and pulled back in a high ponytail. Her brown eyes twinkle as she smiles. "Yes?"

"I'm Sora."

"Oh yes." She smiles and motions for me to sit.

I wave a quick goodbye to Kairi, close the door, and sit.

"Hello Sora. I'm Michelle Whick but you can call me Mickey."

I smile and nod.

"How are you feeling today?"

I shrug, not looking at her. "Fine."

"Sora. This is a safe place. Nothing said in this room leaves this room, alright?"

I nod, though I still don't feel any better about this.

"So. I ask you again. How are you feeling?"

I sigh and look down at my lap. I bite my lip and despite her seeming nice, I don't want to talk.

"I can't sign off on you until you talk to me."

"Okay." I say softly. Why not? What did I have to lose anyways? I'm already crazy. Didn't this prove it? "I don't know what happened to me. I mean… I know because everyone keeps telling me. But I can't remember. It's like it was someone else. I went to school. And I woke up in a hospital."

"And how do you feel about that?"

I shrug. What a shrink thing to ask. "Weird, I guess. Sort of freaked out. I guess its traumatic stress syndrome. Too painful to remember so I'm subconsciously suppressing the memories. At some point it'll all come back. Could be today or years from now."

She's looking at me oddly, probably trying to figure out if I'm full of shit. I'm not the complete idiot people take me for. At least not all the time. I have my moments. "Tell me about the poem." She says after a moment.

I shrug again, for like the millionth time. "It was just a school assignment. I don't remember finishing it."

"Who's it about, Sora?"

I know the answer, even if I don't remember writing it. Kairi showed me the copy my mom found. I drop my gaze. "I don't remember."

She's silent for a minute and I shift uneasily in the chair. "Tell me about Riku."

I flinch involuntarily at his name. Damnit. Why did she have to bring him up? "He and I… we used to be friends… best friends. We… went on a trip for a while… with our friend Kairi."

"He was your friend? He's not anymore?"

I advert my gaze again. "We sort of just grew apart."

"How do you feel about that?"

"I don't know. I miss when the three of us hung out together."

"How do you feel about Riku?"

Damnit. She keeps saying his name. There's a pain in my lip and I realize I'm chewing on it.

"I understand you had a fight with him that day."

I look up as she starts talking. "I don't remember."

"You kissed him?"

"I don't remember." And my eyes are on my hands again.

"Sora." She presses again. "How do you feel about Riku?"

"Ugh!" I groan and lean over to rest my head on my knees. It's not exactly comfortable but I can't see her anymore. "Stop saying his name!" I snap.

"Why Sora? What is it about Riku that troubles you?" Her voice is so calm, so even. And I start to hate it.

"I'm having trouble breathing." I close my eyes and clench my teeth as my chest tightens. I can feel it constricting.

"Take it easy." I feel her hands on my back. "Take a deep breath."

I do as I'm told and after a few minutes, the pressure lessens. I take a last deep breath and sit back up.

Dr. Whick's looking at me with a smile on her face. "We're through here. I'll let your doctor know you can leave."

"Wait!" I just had a panic attack because she used his name a few too many times and she's letting me go? What kind of freak doctor is she? "That's it?"

She nods, scribbling something on a piece of paper. "I want to see you twice a week for the next two weeks. We'll see how it goes after that."

Twice a week? I groan and slide down in the chair.

She smiles and slides the slip of paper she'd been writing on across the table. "Take this to the pharmacy. A mild sedative to help relax you if this happens again."

I nod and sigh and half ignore her as she talks about scheduling the appointments. I'm not paying attention anymore. I'm told that I have a short attention span, that I don't pay attention. Maybe that's why I'm slinking by in school. Oh well. Maybe one day…

"Sora… did you hear me?"

"Huh?" Mom's looking at me and I can see the worry in her face. "Sorry mom. I'm just tired. I want to sleep in my own bed."

She sighs and sits down beside me. She ruffles my hair and I smile and bat her away. "Okay. I have to go back to work today. I'm out of vacation and sick days."

I nod.

"I'll only be gone for two days. And I'll have my phone on me at all times. I want you to call me every hour."

"Mom!"

"Every hour, Sora! I'm serious. And I'm sending Kairi home with you to watch you."

"Watch me?"

She nods. "I'm not leaving you alone."

"Kairi has school." I say, trying to think of an excuse. With Kairi there, there was little chance I could talk to Riku. She'd be on me worse than mom would. "I have school."

"You aren't going back to school yet."

"And I can take a few days off." Kairi's smiling as she walks through the door.

I groan and shake my head. "I'm not a baby."

"No. But until I'm convinced that you'll never do something like this again, you won't be left alone."

I want to argue with her, but I know I won't win. So I nod instead. "When can we get out of here then?"

_Boy was I happy to get out of there. It took nearly an hour to get the paperwork done. And mom took us to get something to eat. It was pretty late when she dropped us off at home. I was actually a little sad that she had to leave that night. But she had some really important conference or meeting off island early in the morning. Or something. I don't really remember what she said. Maybe I do have a short attention span. Huh._

"How are you feeling?" Kairi's looking at me with worry in her eyes.

"Fine." I answer. "Tired." I rub at the back of my neck and yawn.

"Do you need help?"

I roll my eyes. "I can walk up the stairs, change my clothes, and get into bed all by myself."

"I know that." She's smiling. "I just didn't know… can you sleep in your room? Will you be okay?"

"I can handle it, Kairi."

"Alone? I could make a bed on your floor and we can have a sleepover."

"No!" I snap. And she looks hurt. I sigh. "I'm sorry. Maybe tomorrow. Right now… I just want a little time alone. I want to be normal."

"Sora…"

"You can tell my mom you slept in my bed with me if that makes you feel better. But I just want one night."

She has her hands on her hips and a scowl on her lips. And I'm certain she's going to handcuff herself to me. But then she softens and wraps her arms around me. "I'm just worried about you, Sora. But alright. I'll sleep down here on the couch. If you need anything…"

"I'll holler mom."

She releases me and her smile deepens. "I'll make breakfast in the morning. Then we can get cracking on all that makeup work."

I groan. "I hate school." She laughs and I say goodnight and head for the stairs. It feels weird, walking up them. And despite what I said to Kairi, I do feel nervous as I reach for the door knob. But it doesn't turn.

"Oh great! Who locked my fucking door?" And I'm mad. Who locked me out? Mom? Kairi? They don't have to treat me like a baby. I shake my head and stand up on my toes and reach for the top of the door frame. I'd lost the key to my room long ago and no matter how many new locks or keys my mom gave me, I always lost them. So she gave up and I learned how to pick the lock.

It takes less than a minute after I find the bobby pin. "Ha!" The lock clicks and the knob turns and I push the door open. And for the second time today, I can't breathe.

_It was weird. For three days, I had no memories of what happened. I tried and tried to remember. I read and reread that damn poem and had Kairi told me the story a million times. But it was like it wasn't real because I couldn't remember. Like it all happened to someone else. And then I saw him and it all came running back. I swear. It was all so fucked up._

There he is! In my bed! Asleep! And he's so beautiful. And all I can think about it how he tasted when I kissed him and how he felt when I pressed up against him.

I feel dizzy with the sudden realizations and have to grab the doorframe to keep from tipping over. I take a few deep breaths to calm myself and get my breathing back under control.

He's laying on his side, his back to me. I can see the rise and fall of his breathing. And it hits me again. I kissed him. And I want to do it again. And before I realize it, I'm sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at him. His long, silver hair. His perfect, pale skin. His hard, muscular shoulders. I reach out and touch that shoulder. I follow the muscle lines down to his elbow and back up.

He shifts and I freeze. "Sora?" His voice is low and hoarse as he rolls over. Even though he was just sleeping, he looks exhausted, like he hasn't slept in weeks.

And I feel guilty for making him worry about me. And that he had to find me. And that my mother wouldn't let me talk to him. And I feel guilty for the current silence. And I'm afraid to say anything because I can't bear the thought of him walking away from me again.

He drops his eyes down to my hand, which was still resting on his shoulder.

Realizing it, I pull it away and he reaches for it. I bite my lip as he sits up and takes my hand in both of his. He turns it over and stares at my palm. I shift a bit and I'm glad for the long sleeved shirt my mom brought me. I don't want him to see them.

I watch, horrified, as he starts pushing my sleeve up. I yank my arm back only to have him grab it again. And he's stronger than me. And he has me in a vice grip. And I want to pout. It's just not fair. But I don't pull back this time as he pushes my sleeve up. The cuts have all closed and scabbed over. A few are still an angry red but they don't hurt.

Gingerly, his fingers trace the cuts, moving up my arm. He moves slowly, methodically, like he's memorizing them or something crazy. I wish I could read his mind. But his face is blank.

He grabs the bunched up sleeve and pulls it back down and I think he's done. But he inches closer and he fingers the bottom hem of my shirt. I try to read his face again but he still won't look at me. I wish he'd at least say something. Because the silence is killing me and I can't bring myself to break it. And it feels like he's taking forever though I know it's only been a matter of minutes since I came into the room.

I sigh but I lean forward and allow him to strip off the shirt. A light chill caresses my bare chest but I suppress a shiver. And I continue to watch his movements, as mesmerized by him as he seems to be by the scars.

His fingers graze my left collar bone and I can feel him tracing the scar that runs from there, over my sternum, and near my right nipple. His fingers are slow and soft and I can barely feel them and it's too much. Without meaning to, a soft moan escapes my lips.

The sound seems to have waken him from whatever trance he was in. He shakes his head and raises his eyes to mine. And I'm staring at him and I feel like I could get lost in those cyan eyes.

And then he drops his gaze to the hem of the sweatpants I'm wearing. I should be more horrified. But I'm not. He's the one who found me after all. He's seen me naked and covered in blood. I brace myself and lift my hips as he pulls the pants off. I'm suddenly aware of the pair of boxers I'm wearing. Pink. Very bright neon pink. A gift from Kairi because she thinks she's so damn funny.

But if Riku notices the girly color, he has no reaction. Instead, he inspects the healing cuts. And his fingers are tracing lines on my thighs. A shiver runs up my spine and a second moan escapes my lips. He seems oblivious to me as he continues to trace the marks on my legs.

I feel my frustration with him mounting and I push his hands away roughly.

Riku looks up again, his eyes sad. "I'm sorry I did this to you." His voice is soft.

And suddenly I'm furious. "I did this!" I snap. "I'm tired of everyone blaming you for something I did! My mom, the doctors, the damn therapist. Even Kairi's starting to believe them." I grab Riku's shoulders and give him a shake. "You did nothing! You saved my life. I'm still here because you saved me."

He's still staring at me like he still doesn't get it.

"I'm in love with you. Me. This is no one's fault but my own!" And suddenly I'm grabbing him by his collar and pulling him towards me. My lips touch his and for a moment, neither of us move. I wait for him to shove me away again. I can feel my heart trying to pound out of my chest. When he doesn't move away, my tongue moves on its own and it runs along his bottom lip.

I fumble, trying to pull at the fabric of his too-tight shirt. I feel him grinning against my lips and he pulls away long enough to shed the second skin. He discards the shirt with a flick of his wrist and pulls my face against his. I run my fingers down his shoulders, arms, and back, relishing in the soft, taut skin. My fingers feel like they are burning as I touch him but his hands are still on my face.

His pace is driving me crazy and I pull away from him. "Riku!" It comes out practically a snarl. "I'm okay, I promise. I won't break."

He looks at me doubtfully and I shove him hard, feeling the frustration bubbling up again. I climb on top of him and straddle his waist. I can see the surprise in his eyes. I grind my hips against him and I see him suck in a deep breath, watching me. I do it again and am awarded with a soft moan.

"Sora…"

I hear the warning tone in his voice and I smile. I grind against him a third time and then suddenly I'm on my back and he's pinned my arms above my head. His free hand is on my chest, tracing lines up and down my mostly non-existent abs. It tickles and I wiggle under him. He stops suddenly and I let out a whine. "Damn it, Riku. You're so fucking frustrating!"

He smiles and opens his mouth to say something, but it never comes.

"Sora?"

We pull apart as we hear her voice. "Shit. Hide!"

"What?" He's looking at me, confused.

"It's Kairi. She knows everything and my mom's sort of forbid me to see you and she's sworn her to babysit me. Please Riku! I'm not ready to have you leave yet."

He groans and rolls his eyes but jumps up.

I grab the discarded clothes and pull the blanket up over them and myself. My bedroom door opens just as my closet door closes.

"I hope I didn't wake you."

"Uh… no. Haven't been able to fall asleep yet."

She steps into the room, looking worried. "Are you okay? You look flushed."

"I'm fine." I say all too quickly and nervously.

Kairi stares at me a moment before her nose wrinkles. "Goodnight."

"What… Kairi… wait! What's wrong?" But she slips out and closes the door. I frown at the door and hear laughing. I look over to see Riku leaning against my closet door. "What's so funny?"

"You. And Kairi. She thinks you were yanking it."

My mouth drops open.

"You're as red as a tomato and lying in your bed, naked and half covered with a blanket."

"I'm not naked." I protest and pull the blanket off. I stand up, again wishing I wasn't wearing those particular boxers.

Riku drops his gaze to the floor. "I can take care of that." He looks up at me and I swear he looks timid. And I'm afraid he's going to fly out the window. And suddenly I'm standing right in front of him, looking up to meet his gaze. He still hasn't moved from the closet door.

"You're still wearing pants."

"I don't want to hurt you." He says softly.

My fingers seek out the button on his pants. "You can't hurt me any more than I've hurt myself."

_I didn't mean that the way it came out. I really didn't. I meant the emotional shit. The years I spent lusting after the guy. I tore myself apart emotionally more than physically. But I regretted saying that the instant I did. I mean, really! There I was, standing in my room, half naked with the guy I could get off my mind. Dream come true, right? And I had to go and say an insensitive thing like that._

He frowns and pushes me away. Not hard, but it forces me a step backwards. "What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think it's funny?" He's angry and I can tell he's trying to keep his voice down.

I pray Kairi is either asleep or down in the living room watching something. I don't want her to hear and come back up. Please, stay down stairs.

"Sora?"

He's looking at me and I feel small. "No." I shake my head. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Just shut up for a minute." He interrupts. "I have a few things I need to say."

"Riku…"

"I mean it, Sora. Shut up and listen or I'm walking out the front door. Right in front of Kairi."

"Okay, okay." I hold up my hands. I don't want him to leave.

He looks down at the floor for a long while and I think he's changed his mind.

"Riku?"

He holds up his hand. "Give me a second. This isn't easy for me."

I nod and turn around, thinking maybe it would be easier if I wasn't facing him. Kairi slips into my mind again. While I can't control her listening through the door, I can control her coming through the door. I cross the room towards the door and lock it. Now at least if she comes upstairs again, we can just be quiet and fake sleeping.

I hear him sigh and I'm afraid he's going to flee. "You know I never… I'm not good at…" He's stuttering and he's nervous and it's so cute.

I turn and watch him. "Stop trying to be the tough guy. You don't always have to be so… perfect and in control. Just… stop!"

He shakes his head slowly. "I thought I told you to shut up." But his mouth curls up in a smile. "Okay. It's not easy for me to talk about how I feel or to let other people take control. It's not something I'm always proud of, but I'm very competitive and I have to be in control. And that Friday…"

I hear him faltering and cross the room towards him. "Riku…"

"No." He holds up his hand to stop me. "I want to explain myself."

"You don't…" I try to say but he stops me.

"Yes, I have to. I have to apologize to you. And to Kairi. I never meant to leave you guys behind like that. It just happened."

"The blames not all on you. Kairi and I could have… called or bugged you or something."

"Maybe. But I never wanted it to happen. I missed you. And Kairi." He adds quickly. "I wanted to call you so many times."

"I wish you had." I step closer to him, enough that I could reach out and touch him. I think about it, but I don't.

"About Friday… I honestly thought you liked Cyndi. I swear."

"I believe you." I say it because I think he needs to hear it.

"When you kissed me… you caught me off guard. I… over reacted. And if I could take it back, I would." He looks down at the floor. "When Kairi called me… she begged, she said some harsh things… but she didn't need to. I wanted to see you. I wanted to apologize and I wanted to kiss you again."

"You wanted to kiss me? Really?" I can't believe my ears are hearing these words.

He looks down at the floor again. "I was a little freaked out by it but yeah, I did. So… I get to your house… and you don't answer when I yell. I go to your room… and you're… I… I thought you were dead. You didn't move. There was so much blood. I thought there was no way you'd open your eyes again. I thought… I'd never get to see you again. I wouldn't get to talk or apologize to you or touch you…"

He looks so broken and I feel so awful. I reach out to touch him and he pulls away. "Riku…"

"You didn't talk, you didn't move, I couldn't even tell if you were breathing right."

I ignore his retreating steps and throw my arms around his neck. I pull him against me and hold him as tight as I can. "I'm okay Riku. I promise."

"I'm not." He mumbles and I feel his arms on my back and he's holding me so tight I can hardly breathe. "I know it sounds fucked up and selfish but I don't give a shit."

"What does…" I start to ask and he grabs my shoulders and pries me away.

He's holding me at arm's length and he's looking me in the eyes and I'm biting my lip. His grip tightens and he shakes me. "You can't do anything like that ever again Sora."

"I won't…"

"You can't Sora. I need you. I can't live without you. Promise me, Sora."

"I won't." I say softly. And I feel foolish. And I'm sure my expression looks stupid.

"Promise me!" He's shaking me again.

"I promise. Now let go. You're hurting me."

He looks down to where he's gripping me and let's go.

I reach out and grab the hem of his pants again. I pull him towards me. "Can we be done with talking now?"

He's smiling. "I have one more thing to say."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "Did I tell you how frustrating you are?"

He's still smiling. "I love you, Sora."

Those words drive me crazy.

_The rest of the night was a blur. …okay. That's a lie. I remember everything. Every touch, every kiss. Felt like I was on fire the whole time. And I kept thinking… if I had waited like an hour that night… he could have stopped me in time. We could have skipped everything and he could have been spared that pain. What's that saying? If ifs and butts were candy and nuts something… something, something… Uh… actually… that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Candy and nuts? They don't exactly go together, do they? Except maybe chocolate covered peanuts. Huh. But anyways… back to Riku and I. Yes, we did it. And no, I don't kiss and tell. Well… okay… so I do. But I don't fuck and tell. Anyways, perfect night followed by an almost perfect morning. I was exhausted and for more reasons than the obvious. It had been a long day. I hadn't slept in my bed in forever and having to deal with my mom, doctors, the therapist, and Kairi… UGH! Having to deal with one is enough to drive anyone insane, let alone all of them. Anyways… even if Riku hadn't been there, there was no reason for Kairi to freak out when I slept in._

I feel heavy and sore. But I feel oddly happy as I yawn. I'm on my side and I try to roll over but something's in my way, stopping me. And then I remember I'm naked. And Riku's naked. And I'm laying half on top of him.

My eyes open and I see him staring at me. And he's smiling. And I feel myself blushing. And I'm mortified.

"Good morning, sleepy head."

I sit up and rub my eyes and yawn again. "What time is it?"

"After noon." He sits up as well and starts rubbing his shoulder.

"After noon?" Boy… I must have been tired. "What's wrong with your arm?"

He smiles, flexes, and let's his arm drop to his lap. "Nothing. It fell asleep because someone's been sleeping on it all night and morning."

"Oh… sorry." I say sheepishly. "You should have woken me up."

His nose wrinkles as he smiles and he shakes his head and it's so cute. "Nah. You needed it. You were exhausted. And you're cute when you sleep."

I can feel myself blushing again and I pull my knees to my chest. I know I'm grinning like an idiot and I can feel his eyes on me.

"I dropped out of calculus." He says suddenly.

"Huh?"

"My calculus class. I dropped it. Decided to take poetry instead."

I raise my head and look at him. "Really? You're in my class?"

He smiles and nods.

"But… wait… don't you need that class to graduate?"

He's nodding again.

"Why would you do that? You won't graduate!"

"I know that. I want to graduate with you."

"Me?"

"And Kairi."

"But…"

He holds up his hand to stop me. "Stop arguing with me. It's already done. Can't change it now."

But I do want to protest and I do want to argue and while I love the idea of us graduating together, I still don't think its right and he's being completely silly and he's worked so hard and now he's just giving it all away. Ugh! I sigh and shake my head slowly and suddenly I'm aware of how quiet it is and I'm nervous and I feel like crying and I'm worrying and gesh, I hate myself.

And I look up at him and I think he can read me because he's looking concerned and I hate myself more and…

"Sora?"

We both turn to look at the door as we hear her voice. She yells again and I bite my lip as the door knob rattles. "Sora? Open this door now! Sora?"

I hear the panic in her voice. "I'm okay Kairi." I shout as Riku grabs my arm.

"Closet?" He whispers in my ear and I shake my head. He shrugs and lies back on the bed.

"Sora, you open this door right now!"

I roll my eyes and climb out of the bed. I'm halfway to the door when I hear him laughing.

"Sora…"

I turn to give him a confused look and he's looking me up and down. And I remember, again, that I'm naked. I groan and grab the robe off of the back of my closet door. I throw it on and tie is loosely as Kairi bangs on the door again. "I'm coming!" I holler, getting mad.

I reach for the door knob and steal a glance back at Riku. He's lying on his side with my blanket pulled up to his chest and he nods encouragingly at me. I take a deep breath, unlock the door, and pull it open.

She's standing there, with her arms on her hips, glaring at me. "What the hell took you so long?"

"We were sleepy." It's sort of true. We _were_ sleeping. At some point earlier.

"I don't care what you were doing! You are not to lock this door." I see the anger turn to confusion as what I said sinks in. "Wait… who's we?"

I open the door wider and step aside.

She steps in and I can literally see her ears smoking.

"Good morning Kairi." Riku's smiling smugly and I want to slap him.

"What the hell are you going here?"

And I want to slap her too.

"Sleeping. Well… he was sleeping. I was watching."

Kairi spins on her heels and wags a finger at me. "He's been here the whole night?"

"Maybe…" I say softly.

"Sora, you heard what your mother said. You aren't allowed to see him or talk to him. She trusted me to keep you safe."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not in the room." Riku snaps. "And he's safe with me."

"Clearly."

I hear her sarcasm and I see the anger and hurt on his face. "That's enough! I'm not a baby. I don't need anybody to take care of me! That goes for both of you."

"Well tough shit." Kairi snaps, wagging her finger at me again. "Because like it or not, your mother did put me in charge of you until she gets back." She turns and glares at Riku. "I want you out of here. Now."

"No." I answer for him, shaking my head.

"You, shut up." She points at me and then points at him. "You, out of the bed."

I turn to see him smiling and shaking his head. "No can do. My pants are over there."

He points to the closet and she sees the pile clothes and her eyes narrow and she looks possessed. "I'm calling your mother."

I roll my eyes. "Kairi!"

She spins again and is out the door before I can stop her. "Damnit, Kairi!" I'm furious and I want to chase after her and rip whatever phone she's planning on using from her hands and throw is against the wall and… ugh! I'm pissed as hell. And then his arms are around me and I feel him pressing up against my back and I push against him and sigh. He bites my ear and I let out an embarrassing squeak and he's laughing. And I can't believe how easy and right this feels. "I don't want this to end." I say softly.

"I know." He whispers against my ear and it sends a shiver down my spine.

I turn around in his embrace and wrap my arms around his neck. "I think we need to take a shower."

His eye brow raises. "A shower, huh?"

"Well… you are naked and I'm wearing a bath robe."

"Damn, Sora. Is that all you think about?"

I smile. If only he knew. "Making up for lost time.

_Oh come on. We were two healthy, hormone ridden teenage boys. If Kairi hadn't disturbed us, I doubt we would have been able to leave my bed. Seriously. It was like once I got a taste, I couldn't get enough of him. And I'm pretty certain he felt the same way. The phrase 'fucked like bunnies' comes to my mind._

He's got his arms around my waist as his lips are on my neck and I push him away playfully. "You're wet."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah. That happens when I take a shower." He's got a towel wrapped around his waist and my robe's back on. He steps closer again and his hands are under my robe, tracing the lines again.

I look up to meet his eyes and once again see the sadness there. "Are you ever going to be able to look at me and not see them?"

He looks at me for a long while and I think he's never going to answer and I feel like an idiot and I'm silently freaking out. "I don't know." He says softly.

I pull away from his hands and pull the robe tighter around me. "There. Now you can't see them anymore."

He's smiling. "If you stay fully clothed all the time, it'll be hard to uh…" He looks down and quickly back up. "… do stuff."

I smile and open my mouth to answer… and then she interrupts. Again.

"Sora."

I turn and cross my arms and she's in the doorway, glaring again.

"Your mom wants you to call her. Now."

"Okay. I will. If you get out and leave me alone."

She's still glaring.

"I have to get dressed."

She looks at Riku and she's scowling and I step forward and push her out of the way and slam the door. "Sora, I swear…" I hear her through the door.

"Fuck off Kairi!"

"Sora." I feel his hand on my arm and I flinch at the tone in his voice. "She's just worried about you."

"I don't care." I mumble. I know it's a lie. And apparently so does he.

"Yes you do, Sora. You love her. She's your best friend."

I turn around and look up at him. "What about you?"

"I'm your friend to."

"I want you to be more than my friend."

"Apologize to Kairi." He pulls away and turns his back to me.

"Riku…" He says nothing as he takes his towel off and pulls his pants on. "Riku!"

He grabs his shirt off the floor and stands up. His hair's still wet and it's plastered to his shoulders and it's dripping down his chest. "Apologize to Kairi and call your mother. And be nice. They care about you so much. They just want you to be safe. To be okay."

I bite my lip and I feel sick. "What about you?"

He shrugs and looks away. "I agree with them. But… I don't think I can stay away."

"I don't want you to."

He's smiling and he turns for my window.

"Where're you going?"

He pauses and he has one leg out the window. "Home. To get some clean clothes and tell my dad where I am."

"Oh…"

"I'll be back. If you want me."

"I do."

He smiles and disappears out the window and I still wonder how he does it.

But then I start thinking about Kairi and I know he's right. I change quickly, dry my hair, and go look for her. I find her leaning against the counter in the kitchen. Her back's to me and I can tell she's heard me. She turns slowly and wipes her eyes and I know she's been crying and I just feel awful. I sigh and step forward and draw her into a tight hug. "I'm sorry." I whisper and she's crying again.

I hold her for a few minutes before she pulls away. She wipes her eyes with her sleeve again. "No." She's shaking her head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset. And I shouldn't have called your mother. I can't explain it but when I saw him in your bed… I just lost it. I just… can't see you… with him."

"Kairi…" I grab her chin and make her look at me. "If it wasn't him, it would have been some other guy."

"But… you…"

"Kairi, I'm gay."

"Are you sure?"

"If I wasn't before I know I am now."

She wrinkles her nose and I smile. I wonder if she knows how often she does that. I'm guessing not. "I can guess what happened last night. Are you sure it's such a good idea?"

"Better be." I smile. "We did it three times."

"Sora!" Her nose wrinkles again and I swear she looks like a tomato. "That is not what I meant. You just got out of the hospital. Don't you think you should wait until you're fully healed before jumping in bed with someone?"

"I am healed. And it wasn't just the bed…"

"Sora! I swear!"

I smile because it's fun to make her squirm. I'm thinking it'll be a good idea to be more vocal when she's in the room. "Okay, okay. I get what you're saying. And maybe you're right. But… I don't know. It felt right."

"Are you certain? He didn't…"

She tails off and I shake my head. "Oh no. He was… very…"

"Sora."

I smile again. "I was going to say frustrating. He kept apologizing for hurting me and acting like if he touched me, I'd break."

She's looking at me hard and I try to guess what's going through her head. Then she jabs me in the ribs with her finger. "Ow! Hey!"

"Nope. You didn't break." It takes a second for the joke to sink in. And then I'm laughing and she's laughing and I feel better and I'm so glad Riku made me apologize to her.

She stops and gets serious again. "You're positive?"

"I love him. He loves me."

"But what if in a month or next week or tomorrow he wakes up and decides he doesn't anymore? What if he says it was all a mistake?"

"Well…" I say softly and my mind starts turning. Her question catches me off guard. After a minute I shrug. "I think… I'd be okay. Because even if we aren't together forever… I liked it. I know what it feels like to… be close to someone and to love someone. To spend the night being together and talking and to wake up in someone's arms. I want that. And I want that with Riku. But if now, I'd want to find someone else."

She's looking at me and I get the feeling she thinks I'm full of shit. "I wish you would have talked to me, Sora. I could have helped you."

I'm not sure that's true but I smile and nod. I know it makes her feel better. "I got my memory back." I say suddenly, wanting to divert the conversation from Riku and me.

"Really? Why didn't you say that first?" She latches onto me and starts jumping and I jump with her. "Oh fantastic! How did it happen?"

I shrug as she releases me. "It just sort of happened. I was just standing there and then I remembered."

"Messed up."

"Tell me about it." I groan. "But hey. Since our celebration was cut short and put off… how about the three of us celebrate our little anniversary tonight?"

"The three of us? It was supposed to be you and me."

"Only because neither of us had the courage to ask Riku."

Her nose wrinkles, yet again, and she shakes her head. "He's up there, isn't he?"

I shake my head. "He ran back home for a little while. But he's coming back."

She sighs and shrugs. "Okay. He can stay. I'll forgive him and play nice. We'll have a great time."

I smile and hug her and I feel like I'm floating.

"But you need to call your mom. She's probably freaking out. I… said some things… I probably shouldn't have."

"Kairi!"

"I was mad. So forgive me and go call her."

I groan and push her away gently. "I will, I will."

"Right now!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going." I start heading back upstairs and realize she's behind me. "What are you going?"

"Making sure you call her. I know you."

I roll my eyes but have to give her credit. She's smart and right because I had no intention of calling her yet.

Kairi pushes me in my room and I throw a glare her way.

"Call! Now!"

I groan again and grab my cell of my nightstand. Then I jump on my bed and lean against the wall it sits on. I dial the number and lift it to my ear. I hear it ringing and I'm biting my lip.

"Sora! What the hell took so long?"

I flinch at the tone in her voice. "Mom…"

"What the hell is he doing there? I told you not to see him or talk to him."

"Mom…"

"Sora, you almost died because of him."

"And I would have if he didn't find me."

"He wouldn't have needed to if he stayed away from you."

"Mom…"

"Sora I swear, when I get back…"

I hear her yelling but I'm smiling and not listening and the phone moves a few inches from my ear.

Riku's sitting in my window. He's fully dressed and his hair is dry and he's obliviously brush it and I'm suddenly thinking how I'd like to brush it and wondering if he'd let me. "Can I come in?"

I smile and nod and pat the bed beside me.

He looks at Kairi. "Is it safe?"

She sticks out her tongue.

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You better." I whisper and pat the bed again.

He smiles and practically falls on top of me. I push him and end up with his head in my lap and he won't move. He's looking up at me and I suddenly remember my mom. I move the phone back to my ear.

"… listing to me? That's it! I'm getting on the next flight out of here. And when I get home, I'm locking you in that room of yours and throwing the key away."

"Mom! I'm sorry. I dropped the phone. I didn't hear you."

"I could hear her pause and take a deep breath. "Okay. I'll start over then."

"Can I say something first?"

She's silent a moment and I'm glad she's not here. I don't want to see what's on her face. "Fine. But make it quick. I have more yelling to do."

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "I love you mom. More than anything. I love how you worry about me and I love how you'd do anything for me. I love how you take care of me and that you let me come home. Because you're right. You could have locked me away and thrown away the key. I deserve it after what I did. And I can't change it or take it back. But I also can't change the way I feel. I… I am… gay mom. I've known that fact for a long while. If it weren't Riku, it would be some other guy. But it is and… I love him… I… want him. I think I need him right now."

I don't realize I'm crying until I feel Riku's hands on my face, wiping the tears away. He's sitting up and he forces me to look at him. "I'm not going anywhere." He whispers it so softly that I barely hear it. "I need you too."

I nod and smile and wipe my eyes with my hand.

"Well…" I shake my head slowly as I hear mom again and concentrate on her voice. "I can't say I'm completely happy with all that. I'm not convinced that boy is good for you. But I guess I can give him a second chance. Though I know I don't like the naked sleepover."

I feel my cheeks redden and I glare at Kairi. "I'm going to kill you." I mouth.

She smiles awkwardly and shrugs.

"Yeah… that…"

"Sex is something special Sora."

"Mom!"

She continues on as if not hearing me protest. "I want you to be careful, Sora. I don't think you fully understand what having sex means."

I lean forward and cover my eyes with my hand. "Mom! I'm begging…"

"Though I guess in this care, you needn't worry about accidently getting pregnant."

I snap back up and my mouth drops open.

"But don't let that boy take advantage of you. You don't have to be a complete bottom."

_I'm fucking serious. Serious! She really said that! It's got to be the most unmotherly thing she's ever said to me. One minute, she's telling me sex is special, then she's saying it's good I can't get pregnant, and then not to be a bottom all the time. I was mortified. And certain I'd never be able to talk to her again. Or stand in the same room with her without turning white. Seriously! I still have no idea what prompted her to say any of that. She didn't know what we did. All she knew was that Kairi caught us with our pants down, so to speak._

"Mom! Please stop!"

"Sora, stop being so embarrassed. You should be able to talk about sex with your mother."

I shake my head and feel a bit dizzy. My eyes are on my lap because I don't want to know if Kairi or Riku are watching me. "No teenage boy wants to hear his mom talk about being a bottom."

"I'm just saying Sora…"

I lie down on the bed and curl up with my back to Riku. I grab my pillow and pull it over my head. "Mom, you're a freak! I'm not talking about sex with you anymore!"

"Fine. Let me talk to him."

That catches me by surprise. "What?"

"I assume he's there. Let me talk to him."

"Mom…"

"Now, Sora."

I groan and lift the phone from my ear and thrust it in the direction that I know Riku is in. I'm still hiding under the pillow and not planning on coming out. "She wants to talk to you."

I feel him take the phone and I hold my breath. Last night was so wonderful and this morning started off nice. And it'll all be over soon. Yep. She's going to say something completely embarrassing, more than the comment about pregnancy and being a bottom, and scare him away and damn it. Why can't I have a normal mother? One that would tell me to be careful and that's it? I really want to die now.

I strain to hear what he's saying through the pillow because I'm dying of curiosity.

It's quiet for a moment, and then he says, "Uh… okay." More silence. "Yes, ma'am. I understand." Another silent moment. "I'm glad to hear that." I really wish I could hear that she's saying. "I miss that." Did I hear a positive tone? "I hope we can." I must be imagining it. Surely it's not going good. "I wouldn't expect any less."

I still feel like shit and I'm still hiding and I can hear Riku hit the end button on my phone and ugh! Well… it was nice while it lasted. We had a good run. Less than twenty-four hours. I think I'm going to throw up.

And then the air is knocked out of me and I feel like I'm being smothered and I hear him laughing. "Get off!"

The pillow's pulled away and try to push him off but then he's got my arms pinned and he's straddling my waist and he's smiling and we both turn to look at the door as Kairi shrieks.

She's covering her eyes and holding her hand out. "Wait until I leave the room before you start mounting each other."

My jaw drops open and Riku's laughing and he releases my hands and sits up. "Come on, Kairi." He says smiling. "Just harmless fun. We've done it a million times."

"Maybe." She drops her hand and opens her eyes. "But now there's subtext."

Riku's not paying attention to me and I take the opportunity to shove him off. I see him starting to get back up and turn but I'm already off the bed and running towards the door. I grab Kairi's hand and pull her down the hall with me.

There's still a nagging thought in the back of my head that all this is going to stop and he's going to disappear. But I shove it away as I hear Kairi giggling beside me and Riku's laughter behind me.

* * *

**Author's Ramblings:** GAH! Waaaaay longer than I had anticipated. And this is the longest chapter I've ever written! For anything! Ugh! I think I got a bit carried away with a few parts. But I could have made it worse. Haha. It's not finished yet. I haven't decided how much longer it will be. I can't quite decide on how to end it but there will be at least one more wrap-up chapter with mommy and therapists.


	6. I Ran

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. I own the poem-thing. I wrote it. Although you're supposed to think Sora wrote it.

* * *

**I Ran  
**By Sora

I ran from life  
Because I couldn't take the pain  
I ran from you  
Because I couldn't understand the feelings  
I hid from life  
Because it terrorized me  
I hid from you  
Because I lost my courage

I couldn't face myself  
Because I felt so lost and confused  
I couldn't face you  
Because I was terrified and misplaced  
I couldn't forget myself  
Because I was always lurking around  
I couldn't forget you  
Because you were always on my mind

I want to be okay  
Because I want to prove I'm not crazy  
I want to be with you  
Because now I know I can't stop  
I need to be okay  
Because then you'll be alright  
I need to be with you  
Because you are my everything


	7. We Are Forever Crying Out

Beware of the word fuck in this chapter. It's said a lot. 79 times actually. So… beware of it. Actually… beware of this chapter in general. You shouldn't read it.

**Part 4  
****We Are Forever Crying Out**

"What about you?"

He looks so timid and scared and broken and I feel bad. I shrug and look away. "I agree with them. But… I don't think I can stay away." And I know it's true. Even if his mother comes through that door right now and kicks my ass out, I'd just have to wait and sneak back in. Because I know I can't stay away from him now.

_And just like that, I was hooked, addicted even. One night and fuck me… I was fucking helpless against him. Would have followed him off the end of the earth if he'd asked me to._

"I don't want you to."

His voice is so small and nervous and I smile and turn for his window.

"Where're you going?"

I'm halfway out the window when I glance back at him. "Home. To get some clean clothes and tell my dad where I am."

"Oh…"

"I'll be back." I say slowly. Even I can hear the slight nervousness in my voice. "If you want me."

"I do."

I'm smiling again as I grip the windowsill and slip from the window.

_I'd done it a million times over the years. There was a tree in Sora's backyard. One of the branches was about three or four feet from Sora's window. I'm just awesome enough that I can pretty much fly up the tree and into his bedroom before he can even make it to the first branch. I'm also awesome enough that I don't need the tree to get down. Though one time Sora did try and follow me. And he ended up breaking his leg. But that doesn't diminish my awesomeness. Because, I'm fucking awesome. And fucking hot. And have like the BEST fucking hair on the island. Probably the whole planet. Oh… did I mention how humble I am?_

I only live a few houses down from Sora so it takes no time at all for me to get home. Dad's truck is in the driveway and I let out a sigh as I step through the front door. Shit. I really do not want to see him now. Why can't he be a work? Or at some bar getting drunk off his ass like normal? I have no luck.

"Riku? Where the fuck were you?"

I hear him screaming the second I open the front door. I flinch slightly as I hear the tone in his voice. I knew he was going to be upset. With a sigh, I turn to answer him but he doesn't let me.

He closes the distance between up and wags his half drunk beer bottle in my face. "You've hardly been home the past week and a half and when you are, you're like a fucking zombie. I've had it. This is shit. And your fucking school called. Why aren't you graduating this year?"

He continues screaming for a while longer but I tune him out. I know I shouldn't because it'll just piss him off more but I can't help it. My mind keeps drifting to Sora. And I'm wondering if he's made up with Kairi yet? And if he's called his mom. I hope both go easy on him. And that the latter will let me back in the house.

And suddenly dad's gripping my arm with his free hand and shaking me. "Listen to me when I'm talking to you, boy."

"Sorry…" I mutter.

He's glaring. "What the fuck is going on with you?"

I bite my lip and I don't want to tell him anything. I just want to flee back to Sora with my tail between my legs. And I feel like a fucking little pussy shit because of it. With a sigh, I push dad's arm away and cross mine. "Sora was released from the hospital yesterday."

His expression immediately softens and it throws me. He lifts his free hand and scratches at the back of his head, like he's nervous or something. "Oh… is he… okay?"

My voice fails me and all I can do is nod like a freaking idiot. He actually sounds… concerned.

"I… uh… I'm relieved to hear it." With concern again. And actual relief. "I… really liked the kid once. Miss seeing him around here."

And again, I feel completely mind fucked. "Uh… you do?"

Dad nods and looks even more nervous, like he's in unknown waters. And he probably is. "You… uh… you spent the night over there?"

I nod slowly, still not completely trusting my voice.

"You're going back over there."

It was more of a statement, not a question, but I nod my head anyways.

"Tell him I… I'm glad he's okay and I hope he gets better. And that… he should start coming over again. Him and that girl of his. Kairi, right? You uh… were… happier when… they were around all the time."

I can't help but smile at my old man. It's probably the first time in years we've had a conversation that didn't consist of screaming. And I don't know why, but I want to tell him. I feel like I should, like I owe it to him after everything he just said to me. "Sora and I… I… I'm gay, dad."

His expression sours and he rolls his eyes as he lifts his beer bottle to his lips and takes a swig. "Fuck…" He turns his back on me and walks into the kitchen and I follow. And now I feel like shit.

"Dad?"

"How long?"

I stop just behind him and scratch at the back of my head a bit nervously. "I've sort of been… curious I guess… for a while. And… he kissed me a while ago… and I… confirmed it… last night…"

_I didn't have to say anything. I really didn't. Could have gone on, living in secret sin. Wasn't like my old man and me were ever close anyways. Most of the time we couldn't stand each other. But it was like, "What the fuck?" What was the worst he could do to me anyways? Kick me out? Fine with me. I'd just shack up with Sora. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. His mother on the other hand…_

"Are you sure?"

I'm staring at his back and I'm nodding and I feel awful. I wish he'd turn back around and face me or hit me or scream or something. I could handle that. "Yeah."

"With… Sora?"

"Yeah."

He's still standing with his back to me and he turns slightly to lean on the counter but still doesn't look at me. "I don't want you… two… here… doing stuff while I'm home."

"Uh… okay…"

"I don't want to hear about anything. I mean it. Not a fucking word."

My mouth drops open as I continue to stare at him. "Aren't you like… going to call me a fucking faggot or kick me out or slap me around or something? Anything?"

He lets out this sharp laugh. "If I did, would that stop you from being queer?"

"Well… no… but…"

"Then leave it alone."

_And of course, I didn't. It was just so… out-of-character for him. So I just had to keep pressing buttons and wait for him to go off on me. Because I was certain he would._

"But dad…"

He pushes off from the counter and without looking at me, shoves past and moves out of the kitchen. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

And of course, I still don't list and press after him. Sometimes I really don't think. "Dad!"

He spins around and glares and points his empty beer bottle at me. "Look… I may not like it, but you have to live your own life. As long as I don't have to hear about it, I'll be perfectly happy pretending it's some fucked up phase."

I can feel myself smiling. Because that seems sort of like something he'd do. Pretend things aren't the way they are so he doesn't have to deal with things. But probably better than the other option. "It's not."

He lets out a long sigh and heads into the living room. "I know."

I get the sudden urge to tell him I love him and hug him but I don't. It's not something we do. So instead, I smile at him and point upstairs. "I'm going to change and head back over."

"Call me if you plan to stay longer or go somewhere or something." He says as he sits on the couch and picks up the remote. "Let me know where you are so I don't worry. And I want your chores done on time. And your school work too. This class dropping of yours is shit. But it's done now. You just better keep your grades perfect."

I think my mouth is permanently locked in a jaw-dropping, surprised expression. Who knew my father actually pays attention to me? Seriously fucked up.

He turns the television on and starts flipping through the channels without another word. And I just stand there like a fucking dumbass. I shake my head slowly as I hear him settle on a news program and I turn for the stairs. I change quickly and head to the bathroom next. My mind drifts to my dad, then to Sora, then Kairi, and Sora's mom. She scares me. What's she going to do and say? To Sora? To me? To Kairi because of me…

I turn the blow dryer off and run a brush through my hair. Then I share an awkward goodbye with my dad and promise to call him. And I'm out the door and sitting in Sora's window practically a second later because I'm awesome, remember?

He's got his cell phone to his ear and I can tell from his expression that his mom's yelling. He pulls the phone away from his ear and he's smiling.

"Can I come in?" I ask softly.

Sora's smiling and nodding and pats the bed beside him.

I turn by gaze to Kairi, standing in the doorway. "Is it safe?"

And she just sticks her tongue out at me.

I laugh softly. "I'll take that as a yes."

"You better."

I fall half on top of him and he attempts to push me off and I end up with my head in his lap and I'm perfectly comfortable and not moving. And he's got the phone against his ear again. I try and tune out what he's saying. It's none of my business anyways. If he wants to tell me later, I'll listen. But right now…

I look up as I hear him say he loves me and needs me and he's crying and he's got his eyes shut. Suddenly I'm kneeling beside him and gripping his tear strained cheeks. "I'm not going anywhere. I need you too." I mouth more than whisper to him.

He gives me an unconvincing smile and I lean back slightly, once again dropping my gaze and attempting to tune the conversation out. And then he says it.

"No teenage boy wants to hear his mom talk about being a bottom." And then he's hiding under his pillow and I'm afraid to breath, let alone move. I can feel my face flush slightly and I'm very aware that Kairi is still in the room.

"She wants to talk to you."

I look down as Sora's arm appears from under the pillow, holding his phone out at me. I bite my lip as I take the phone and press it to my ear. "Hello Miss Tottori. I hope you're trip is…"

"Look, you little shithead. Right now, I don't like you very much. But for some reason beyond me, my son does. If you hurt him, in any way, shape, or form, I'm going to castrate you with a meat cleaver."

My mouth drops open and my eyes widen. I get the feeling that she would too. "Uh… okay…"

"I promise you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am." I find myself nodding even though it's a phone call and she can't see me. "I understand."

"I want to completely blame you for this whole mess but I guess I can't. I have to admit to myself that something was… is wrong with Sora. He couldn't have done that if he hadn't thought about it before. But don't get me wrong. I want to like you. I really do."

I fidget slightly as she talks about Sora like that. Because she's right. There is something inside Sora that made him do what he did. But still… "I'm glad to hear that."

"Up until like three years ago, you boys were inseparable. And I considered you a son."

I have to smile at that. Because I don't' really remember my mom and I always sort of saw Rain as my mother growing up. "I miss that."

"You keep your ass in check and maybe one day we can get back to that."

"I hope we can." And I'm smiling. Hugely and dumbly I know. And I'm thinking maybe this isn't going too bad.

"I will be keeping an eye on you."

Nope. Not bad at all. "I wouldn't expect any less."

"Tell my son I love him and I was just teasing him. He really can be too sensitive sometimes. I will see you three in a couple of days."

I hang up the phone and jump on the still hidden Sora and he protests and wiggles and I pull the pillow away and pin him. And Kairi's shrieking and I'm still laughing and then Sora manages to throw me off and he darts out of the room with Kairi in tow. I count to three in my head, giving them a head start. With a smile, I leap off the bed, out the door, and down the stairs.

They dart into the living room and I'm a step behind them. All three of us end up falling on the couch and then rolling on the floor. I'm half on top of Sora and Kairi's technically got me pinned. And we're all laughing and for a moment, I forget everything that's happened over the past year and it's like it's always been between the three of us. All together again.

And then Sora ruins it.

I feel him wiggle out from under me and I attempt to get up and help. But Kairi pushes me back down and she's laughing and I know I could easily flip her off and she knows it but I don't. We wrestle around for a second or two before I hear his voice.

"Shit…"

The tone in that single word startles me and I sit up, pulling Kairi with me. "What's wrong?"

Sora's looking down at his chest and his fingers are prodding a red spot on his shirt. Blood. He's bleeding. My eyes widen with the realization and I push Kairi off and jump up. "Fuck, Sora." Without waiting for him to protest, I yank his shirt off over his head.

He wrenches his shirt back and holds it to his chest, covering the marks. He looks pissed. Like really pissed. And I feel like shit. "I'm fine. Fuck off. I just tore the scab open. No big deal."

I look away and let out a sigh. "Sorry." I mutter.

He backs up slowly and I move to follow and he glares. "You stay here. You too." He says, looking to Kairi. "I can find a fucking bandage and shirt by myself. I'm not a fucking baby."

I lift my eyes and my gaze follows his bare back until he's out of view. A hand grabs mine and tugs and I turn to see Kairi on the couch.

"Sit with me." She orders, smiling.

I nod and fall down beside her. I feel like shit. I didn't mean react like that. But… I just don't want to see him hurt ever again.

She's smiling awkwardly and biting her lip and looks nervous. Then she lets out a sigh and leans back. "Look… I'm sorry for the way I've been acting the past couple days. After he woke up and Rain talked to him… she couldn't believe Sora would ever do anything like that. No one did." She shakes her head slowly. "It's Sora! He's always so happy and bouncy and shit. And when he couldn't remember anything that happened… Rain needed someone to blame… you were it and I'm sorry I let her drag me into it."

I shrug and look away from her. I don't really want to talk about this with her at the moment. I'd rather go find Sora and make sure he's really okay. But of course, I don't. I know it'll just piss him off at the moment. "I can't say that it didn't hurt but I deserved it. Whether or not he wants to admit it, it was my fault."

I look over at her when she doesn't say anything and she's pursing her lips. "Very indirectly." She says after a moment. "You didn't know. I didn't know."

"But… I should have." My mind reasons. "The more I think about it… the more I realize the signs where there. I think…"

I hear her sigh and I look over at her again. "Now I feel really stupid. I saw no signs and I'm the one who's always around."

I smile and throw an arm around her. "Change of subject?"

"Slight change." She says, turning slightly on the couch to face me. "You and Sora. Last night?" She tilts her head as she asks.

I shrug. "I can't explain it. I really can't." And it's the truth because I really can't. "I just… I feel like he completes me. My better half. My soul mate. The ying to my yang."

She smiles as she shakes her head. "Well… I can't say I completely understand because I've never felt like that… but… I'm happy for you. I really am."

"Thanks Kairi. That means a lot." And it really does. Because despite everything, she's like my little sister.

"This better mean that I'll get to see you more too."

I laugh and nod. "Yeah. I'll have you sick of me in no time."

"Hey…" We both turn and look behind us as we hear his voice. He's got a different shirt on and his face is flushed slightly and his eyes are puffy like he was crying. "I'm sorry I freaked." And his voice is so tiny.

"Oh! Hey! If you're back…" Kairi jumps up and claps her hands together. "Let's get the party started."

"Party?"

"Oh yeah." She looks at me and smiles. "It's later than the original date… but Sora and I are having our anniversary party tonight. We can order food and pig out and stay up all night watching movies."

I nod slowly and start to stand up, assuming they wanted to celebrate alone. "I'll go…"

"No!" Kairi grabs my arm before I get too far. "You're celebrating with us too."

"Are you sure?" I glance over at Sora.

He's smiling and nodding. "Stay."

I glance from one to the other before nodding. "Sure. Why not? Not like I got anything else to do."

"Great! I'll order some pizzas!" She darts into the kitchen and I laugh. I hear Sora clear his throat and I look over at him. He looks sad and nervous and freaked out. I lift my arms and motion for him. "Come here." He hesitates a moment before stepping into my embrace and I hold him close. "It's going to be okay, Sora." I whisper it softly against his ear. "I promise."

"But I don't want you to feel obligated…"

"Sora… I don't do anything I don't want to do."

He sighs against me and pulls away. He looks so broken. One day I hope I can help him get back to the person he used to be. I really do.

_We spent the rest of the afternoon hanging and pigging out. Then we walked along the beach and Sora and I threw Kairi into the water. She jumped at me in retaliation and we all ended up wet and caked in sand. When it got dark, we went back to Sora's, snuggled up on the couch, and spent half the night watching movies._

"Do you want to go upstairs?"

He's got his hand under my shirt, tracing circles on my abs. And shit… Kairi fell asleep like an hour ago and I just want to pin him down and bite every inch of him. But something in the back of my head says no, stop, slow down. And I want to smack it. I feel his fingers tracing lower and I grab his hand before I lose control of my thoughts. He looks at me shyly and I have to take a deep breath and look away.

"Sora… I don't think that would be a good idea."

He pulls his hand away and looks down. And I could smack myself for making him look that way.

"Wait a minute…" I say quickly. "What I mean is… if we go upstairs now…" I falter slightly because he's looking at me again. "I think we're… moving too fast."

"Too fast?" He asks, looking confused.

"I don't want a relationship based on sex."

Sora seems even more confused for a moment before he sighs and pulls farther away from me. "But we're already done it. Where does that leave us?"

I think about that for a second. "I want to take you out on a date."

"A date?" His eyes are huge and he's smiling as he looks at me. "Like where people can see us?"

I laugh because that's such a Sora thing to ask. "Well… yeah. That's the general idea."

"What are your friends going to say?"

_I actually hadn't thought about any of them for a while. It was like the moment I got Sora and Kairi back, Shiva and the others were forgotten. I was doing it again. I replaced my old friends with new friends, and then was once again replacing the new with the old. I really did like them all. I did. I didn't want to lose my new friends. I could do without Shiva's flaunting and flirting though. But why couldn't my new friends be friends with my old friends?_

I shrug and look away. "I hadn't really thought about them. Quistis is too busy being an overachiever to notice anything. Nida… I've sort of always thought was in the closet anyways. Siren won't care. She'll probably say it's cute or some shit. Irvine will make crude jokes and tease me for taking so long to get some ass, but that's just his personality. Shiva… she won't be happy. She's been trying to get into my pants since the day she met me."

I can see Sora pouting slightly out of the corner of my eyes. He crosses his arms and leans back and it's cute.

"She'll probably be worse now." I continue, thinking about my odd stalker-friend. "Try to convert me or some shit. So she'll be fun to deal with."

Sora looks down for a moment. "How… uh… far has she gotten?"

"Shiva and me?" I shake my head. "Oh believe me, it's always been one hundred percent one-sided. She's landed some sloppy kisses and gropes. And there was the one time she got me drunk…"

"And?"

"It took me a while to realize what she was doing. She had her clothes off and was working on mine. Siren came to my rescue when Shiva screamed after I threw up on her. You'd think with my father I'd have a high tolerance for alcohol. But I don't. Siren cleaned me up, helped me get dressed, and drove me home. But Shiva still never got the message. I wouldn't sleep with her sober and it certainly didn't work when she got me drunk. So you can bet a boyfriend won't stop her."

"Boyfriend?"

I say it without thinking but it does have a nice ring to it. Boyfriend. My boyfriend. I smile and nod and glance over at him. "Well… yeah… I guess I just assumed." I pause for a moment, suddenly worried. "Unless you don't…"

He grabs my hand and shakes his head. "Oh no. I'd love that very much."

"Really?"

He leans his head on my shoulder and I think I could die right then and be perfectly fine. Although I'd be dead. So yeah… not really a good thing. But the statement gets my point across, right? I have never been as happy in my life as I am, right this instance, sitting on the couch with him. My Sora. And he's alive and he's awake and he's alright.

"Thank you, Riku."

"For what?"

"For thinking I liked Cyndi Cuttlermin."

I don't say anything to that. Once again he reminds me that I started all this. I'm the one who pushed him… physically and literally. I'm the one that assumed he like Cyndi and tried to goad him into asking her out. I'm the one who punched him and called him a faggot when he kissed me. This is all my fucking fault.

He pushes off me and turns to look at me. "Did that come out wrong?" He bites his lip and looks down. "I just mean… you know… if you hadn't…" He's looking down at his hands and he's nervous. "I know it's horrible. But… I wouldn't be sitting here with you… with you calling me your boyfriend… if you hadn't thought I liked Cyndi."

I roll my eyes and cross my arms. "Sora… that is so fucking messed up."

He shrugs a bit and smiles. "It's true… isn't it?"

"Yeah… I guess…" Technically, what he says is true. But I don't want to admit it still. Because it's so seriously fucked up.

A silence hangs in the air for a while before Sora looks over at me and breaks it. "Can I… uh… never mind." He blushes a bit and it's cute.

"What?"

"Never mind."

"Sora…" He's looking down at his hands and fiddling with his fingers. He mumbles something but I don't catch it. "What?"

"Can I braid your hair?" He says with an exacerbated sigh.

The request catches me by surprise and I laugh. Sora wanted to braid my hair? Seriously? He slinks away and looks mortified. "Wait! I didn't say no. I was just surprised." I say quickly. "I wouldn't mind." We shift around on the couch until he's got his back against the arm and my head is in his lap.

"You really don't mind?"

"Sora…" I hear him laugh and feel his fingers attentively touch my hair. I let out a sigh as he runs his hands over my scalp and through my hair. And I'm such a pervert. Because it feels way too good. And it's a good thing I'm suddenly too tired and yawn.

He keeps at it for a while, twisting and occasionally pulling softly on my hair. After a while, I look over at Kairi, asleep on the recliner and watch her for a moment. It always surprises me what that girl can sleep through. I smile as the silence in the room and Sora's movements drags on. When I notice those movements slow down, I'm the one who breaks that silence. "So… should we put on a movie and go to sleep?"

"Down here?" Sleepiness laces his voice as he asks.

"Couch pulls out, doesn't it?" I'm positive I can keep my hands off him with Kairi in the room… even if we are sleeping in a technical bed. At least I think I can. Yeah… fairly certain. Sort of. Maybe…

_When we were younger, Sora would tease me that I had girly hair. Probably because I was the only boy on the island that had longer hair as far as we knew. But I always liked my hair so I kept it and let it grow. Sora had really short hair when he was growing up. Much different than he had then. When he was like ten or eleven, he told me he wanted to start growing his hair out like mine. But he soon found out his hair was too thick to do that. No matter how long he let it grow, it wouldn't hang like mine. It clumped together in these weird spikes around his head. He was disappointed when he realized he couldn't have hair like mine. But I convinced him the fluffy spikes suited him. Because they did. So he kept his hair like that from then on. And I was happy he did._

I'm vaguely aware of Sora clinging to me and his breath on my neck. I know it's got to be getting late in the morning. We should be getting up. We've got one more day to ourselves before his mother comes back and ruins it. Then back to school, I assume. Actually, I hope. For once, I'm excited about seeing Shiva. God… I haven't thought about her in forever. But what I said to Sora last night… I smile as I think about what Shiva's going to do. And I'm so evil. Pure evil. Because I cannot wait to tell her that instead of screwing her, I got it on with Sora. A guy.

I'm not quite awake yet but still lingering on the edge of sleep as my mind runs rampant with way too many thoughts. I shift slightly and move closer to Sora. I'm thinking about rolling over and throwing my arms around him when something loud rings out.

Sora and I both jump and the sudden movements force us to knock out foreheads together. "Shit!" He says, rubbing his forehead. I do the same and blink away the bright light that's pouring into the room. Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to open the curtains and flood the room with blindingly annoying sunlight.

Oh yeah! The crash. There's a second one and we both look to the kitchen. "Kairi's trying to cook." Sora says.

"Sounds like it." I shake my head slowly. It always amazes me how much trouble Kairi has in the kitchen. "Need help?" I call out to her loudly.

There's another crash and she pops out. "Hey! You're both supposed to be asleep."

"Can't sleep when you're remodeling Sora's kitchen." I say with a yawn and stretch.

She glares at me and cocks her hands on her hips. "I just dropped a few things. It was not that much noise."

"Mom won't be happy if you break something."

"Oh stuff it. I'm making breakfast, alright? Give me a half hour."

"I'm not hungry…" Sora starts to say but she doesn't let him.

"Don't start with me mister."

She disappears back in the kitchen and Sora and I exchange a glance. "We should probably put your living room back together."

He wrinkles his nose. "I hate cleaning."

"Oh come on. It won't be so bad."

_Blah, blah, blah. Rest of the day was pretty boring. We cleaned, we ate, and we fixed the kitchen after Kairi ruined it. We hung out at the beach. We ran into some of the old gang and they were happy to see both Sora and me. I told Sora what my dad said and he didn't believe me. So I dragged him over and dad mumbled something about being happy Sora was okay and that he missed seeing him around. Sora joked about dad having had a stroke or being possessed by some alien body snatcher. We all laughed. So altogether… it was a good day. But not really interesting enough to go into real detail about. But I did spend that night at my own house in my own bed. I thought it best if I wasn't there when Rain returned the next morning. No telling what she was planning. And we couldn't spend all our time together anyways. But yeah. His mom came home. Sora told me she was pretty cool about things. She sent Kairi away. She laid off a bit. Even agreed to him going back to school as long as the therapist said it was okay._

Sora sighs and grips my hand tightly. A snarky comment comes to my mind about him cutting off circulation but I resist the urge. "It'll be fine, Sora."

He doesn't look at me. "But… what if… it isn't? She controls my life! If she says I'm nuts, mom'll keep me out of school or worse… she'll ship me off somewhere, lock me up, and throw away the key."

I try to stop from laughing but fail. He turns and glares and I cover my mouth to stifle it. But still… I can't stop laughing. I shouldn't, I really know I shouldn't. But I laugh loudly anyways and soon, Sora joins me. We stop and gasp for air as people around us stop and stare for a moment at the crazy teenage boys. But I notice his grip on my hand has lessened. "You know your mom really wouldn't do that. And Kairi and I wouldn't let her."

He smiles and leans his head on my shoulder. And we sit in silence for a little while until an older brunette lady comes out of the office we are sitting in front of. "Sora!" You're here early."

He sits up and nods but doesn't let go of my hand. "Hi Dr. Whick."

I watch Sora and can't help but smile. Because he's smiling and all is right with the world. "And who is your friend here?" I realize she's talking about me and look over at her.

"This is my… uh… friend Riku."

I can feel myself smiling more as I hear the awkwardness in his voice. He had mentioned something about his therapist blaming me for the events that caused all this. I can only imagine what sorts of things she's going to say to me or what she's going to say to him inside her office because I'm here. But she's smiling. "Well…great! You two come right on in."

You two? Me included? "Uh… I was just going to wait out here…"

"Nonsense. I'd like to speak with you too."

Sora stands up and tugs on our still joined hands. "Come on Riku."

"Sora… I don't think…"

"Please!" He's pouting and I roll my eyes and let him drag me inside. But I'm terrified. I'd don't admit it, of course, but I am. I keep thinking she's going to convince him I'm this horrible person and he's going to realize it and go away. Shit… am I really that addicted to him so quickly? That I can't see myself without him? Completely fucked, isn't it?

She pulls a chair out of the corner of the office and slides it beside the single one in front of the desk. Then she motions towards them and sits behind her desk. "Have a seat." And we do. And Sora's still holding my hand. And she smiles and looks at Sora. "How are you feeling today, Sora?"

I feel like I'm trespassing, like I shouldn't be here. This is Sora's thing, with his therapist. He can't possibly feel like talking honestly about things with me sitting here. I should just get up and run away. But then he squeezes my hand and I glance over and he's smiling.

"I'm doing great today, Dr. Whick. And I'm being honest. I haven't had any more panic attacks and mom finally left me alone in the house this morning while she when shopping. It was only for an hour and she called three times… but she still left me." He insists. "Alone and nothing bad happen."

"She left you completely alone?"

Sora nods, clearly pleased with himself. "It took a lot of convincing and promising that I'd pick up the phone when she called. And she said I couldn't leave the house. And she moved all the knives and everything sharp in the house into a locked drawer in her room. But she still left me alone! And she promised to think about letting me go back to school. If… you say I can."

Dr. Whick's smiling and taking notes and she stops and looks up at Sora. "I think as long as you feel you're up to handling it, you should go back to school. It's good to get yourself back to a normal routine."

"Yeah! See… that's what I thought!"

"But…" She says quickly. "Are you ready? By now all your friends and classmates know what you did. They are going to ask questions and some will treat you differently. Your teachers probably will too. Can you handle that?"

I shift my eyes to Sora again and he's slouching down in his chair. I squeeze his hand, trying to comfort him as he's silent. "I… I think I can." He says slowly. "And if I can't… I'll have my friend with me…" I don't say anything but I'm smiling. "And if it gets so bad that I don't think I can handle it… I'll call mom to come take me home."

"That's a good plan, Sora." She says with a smile. "Because there's no shame in admitting you need help and asking for it. No one is perfect, alright? Everyone needs help."

He nods. "Yes. I know that now. Instead of… doing what I did… I should have… tried to talk to my mom or Kairi. I should have waited. Just because Riku hit me and I thought he hated me isn't a reason to… kill myself."

I'm looking at the floor now. And I really wish I was anywhere but here.

"But it's not Riku's fault." Sora says quickly and I feel his eye on me and he's squeezing my hand. "It's not your fault."

I don't take my eyes off the floor. Because I'm not so sure I can ever believe that statement. And once again, I wish I wasn't here. I really don't need to hear this shit again. Because I know it's my fault. I think about it enough already. The world really needs to stop reminding me. Please.

"Now… you Riku." I finally look up as I hear her voice directed at me. "I've heard a lot about you. How are you feeling?"

I shrug and drop my gaze. I want to lie. I feel like lying. But somehow, I think she would know and not let me go. "Like shit. Happy shit, but still shit."

"Can you elaborate on that?"

I let out a sigh because I can feel Sora's eyes on me and his grip on my hand. And no, I don't want to elaborate. "I'm happy Sora's alright." It feels weird to talk about him like he's not in the room. But the same had been done to me a moment before so I try not to think about it and continue. "Alive and stuff. He makes me happy. But… I still feel like it's all my fault."

"But I just said…"

"Sora… no interrupting. Let Riku express his feelings."

"That's pretty much it." Please let the floor collapse and swallow me whole! I should have never come. "I'm happier than I've probably ever been. But we'll be hanging out or something together and I'll be fine… and then I get reminded of when I found him and that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have done it." Man… I sound selfish. This isn't about me and here I am whining.

His grip tightens on my hand and I know he's just trying to comfort me like I did for him, but I can't take it at the moment. I wrench my hand away and hear him let out a surprised squeak. But the therapist is talking again.

"What sorts of situations trigger these flashbacks?"

I lace my fingers together in my lap and stare at them. Why the fuck is she so interested in me anyways? Sora is her patient, not me. I shouldn't have to answer any of these stupid questions. "I don't know. Just stuff."

"Think about it for a moment. Try and give me an example."

I sigh and shrug. "Like we'll be sitting there and he'll make a joke about it. About hurting himself or that it's a good thing I thought he had a crush on that girl or how fun it was to walk around the house with his mother, looking for sharp objects. That shit isn't funny to me."

"I see…"

"Or we'll be alone together and he'll want to… touch me… like upper body I mean." I add quickly. "And I let him. But the minute I sneak my hand under his shirt, he freaks out." It had only happened twice, but she asked for an example. So there is it.

"I see…" She says a second time and makes a few more notes. And I hate this. "Sora… do you have anything to say to that?"

"I don't want him to see them." The scars. Sora still can't seem to say the word scars. "He gets… this sad look on his face when he does."

"Because this is all my fault!" I snap. "You shouldn't have to be afraid like this."

"It's not your fault! I did this to myself!"

"This isn't working." I say, standing up. "Can I leave now?"

"No. I have a few more questions for you."

I roll my eyes and point to Sora. "He's your patient, not me."

"I know that." She says evenly. "But you're helping me to… understand a few things and get to the root of the problem."

"The problem? Me?" I slink down back in the chair and cross my arms. "See, Sora? She thinks it's my fault. The verdict is in."

"I am not here to place blame." Dr. Whick says. "There is no one person or one situation in which to place all the blame." Neither Sora nor I say anything for a while and she continues. "Now Riku… how do you feel about what Sora said when I asked him how he was? Do you think he's telling the truth? That he's doing great and ready for school?"

I shrug. "Yeah, I guess so. He says he is. And he doesn't seem any different from the Sora I grew up with."

"I understand Sora has been harboring feelings for you for quite some time." I can see Sora squirming out of the corner of my eyes as she asks. "Can the same be said about you?"

"Honestly… no. I mean… I've always felt a bit… off in the dating department. Girls flirt and throw themselves at me all the time. Especially one of my friends. No matter how many times I turn her down, she's determined she'll break me down. But I've never been interested in anyone enough to actually date them."

"What about if your friend Kairi hadn't called you or couldn't convince you to come over?"

"I think even if she hadn't called me, I would have gone over. Because I really… liked when he kissed me." I'm certain on that fact.

More notes are made. "Alright… what if the incident on Friday at your school hadn't happened, if he hadn't kissed you and stirred up the unknown feelings, what do you think would have happened?"

Now that I don't think I've really thought of. "I… I guess I would have gone home… I probably would have taken Cydni to the dance."

"Would you still want to be with Sora now if none of this ever happened?"

I don't answer right away. I hadn't really thought about that. But if Sora hadn't kissed me… if I hadn't gone over to his house and found him… "How does talking about this in front of Sora help him?"

She ignores my question and asks her own. "Are you here out of guilt, Riku?"

"Guilt?"

"You said it yourself a few times. You blame yourself."

"No… wait… I…"

She doesn't let me get a word in. "You two seem pretty lovey-dovey out in the hall. It's only been four days since I saw you last, Sora. When you told me you two were no longer friends. And now…"

Sora's eyes widen and turns in his chair to gawk at me. "Did you… did you… with me because you feel guilty?"

"No." I turn to look at him and shake my head. "No. She's wrong. And I'm not listening to this shit anymore." I don't wait for a response and slip out into the hallway. I sink down into the chair I had been sitting in earlier and I just want to die. If she wanted to grill me, I wish she had done it alone. Having Sora in the room while she said those things… Yes, I feel guilty. But that guilt doesn't mean… I didn't… certainly not just because I…

I lower my head into my hands and try not to think anymore. Shit… anyone have a rewind button? Seriously! Can I please just go back to this morning?

Almost a half hour passes before the door opens again and Sora slips out. He looks at me but doesn't say anything. I stand up and don't say anything. And we both turn down the hall and we don't day anything.

I don't look at him as we walk down the hall of the hospital and out into the parking lot. We climb into my jeep and the silence is killing me but I don't know what to say to him. Damn his therapist. Why'd she have to make me say and think those things? I bet Sora's mother had a hand in it. That shit she said about giving me a chance was just a lie to placate me at the time. Fuck! I don't break the silence until I pull into Sora's driveway. "I don't care what she says." I say slowly. "I… I love you. I do. I swear." My eyes are on the steering wheel and I'm gripping it so tightly that my knuckles are turning white.

"Are you really so sure? Are you only saying it out of guilt?"

He doesn't sound mad. Or even sad, as he asks. I think he sounds tired. "I…"

"The truth, Riku. I want the truth."

The truth… what is the truth? Do I know anymore? "I don't know."

He turns away from me and opens the door. "Then go home and think about it. If the answer ends up being no… I won't… do it again. I promise."

He's still inside the jeep with me. I want to reach over and stop him. I could reach over and stop him. But I don't move. All I do is say his name. "Sora…"

"Go!"

He slips out and runs for the door and I know he's crying. And my mind is screaming at me to run after him. To grab him and tell him what I know he wants to hear. But… would it be the truth? "Fuck! FUCK!"

_I could skip over the part where I sat in my jeep and actually cried like a fucking baby in his driveway for nearly five minutes. My bruised masculinity demands it in fact. But fuck it. I did cry. In my jeep. Parked in his fucking driveway. For five minutes. Until I realized it and panicked and drove home._

I feel dead inside. Seriously. I don't know how long I have been sitting my driveway. But my head hurts from crying and my lower body hurts from sitting. And then in a manner that I'm sure mimics the zombie comment dad made the other day, I slip out of the jeep and amble towards the door.

He must have been watching me from the windows or something because suddenly the front door is open and he's pulling me into the house. "Riku? What's wrong with you? You were sitting outside so long, I was about to come and get you."

I can see and hear his concern over me and he appears sober for once, and it's all too much for me. I hate myself for it, but I'm crying in front of him and I can't stop.

"Jesus Riku. What the fuck is wrong with you?" He pulls me farther into the house and slams the front door shut. I rub at my eyes to get them to stop but they won't. It's like they have a mind of their own. "Riku!"

"I… I don't know." I choke out, still pawing at my stupid fucking eyes.

"Did you have a fight with Sora?"

"I don't know."

"How the fuck can you not know?"

"I don't know!"

"Shit boy… what happened? You were fine when you left the house this morning."

"I…"

"Don't fucking say you don't know. What happened?"

I feel the pain in my head lessening and blink away the last of the fucking tears. And I look at him. And he looks completely seriously. "You said you don't want to hear anything."

"I said I didn't want to hear details… about stuff you do together." And again I'm wondering if Sora's teasing about the strokes and body snatchers could be true. He grabs me and pushes me towards the couch. "Out with it before I stop caring." Did he just said he cared?

He pushes me roughly and I fall on the couch. "Sora has to meet with a therapist twice a week."

"Probably a good idea. Kid tried to off himself.

I lean forward slightly and rub at the back of my head. "Well… he didn't want to go to the hospital by himself so he asked if I'd take him."

He sits down beside me and leans forward. "He stand you up or something?"

"No… we went. And the fucking therapist made me go in with him. Said she had some questions she wanted to ask and Sora pretty much dragged me in. And I'm sitting there, listening to them talking like I'm not in the room and it was fucked up dad. Then she starts asking me how I feel and shit."

I sneer as I say it and dad smiles. "Fucking nosey bitch."

"And then she starts talking about how I blame myself and insinuating I'm only with Sora out of guilt."

"Guilt?" Dad's shaking his head and I look up at him. "Fuck that shit. You're my son. We're assholes at heart, every one of us. We don't let guilt or obligation run our lives."

But dad doesn't know the whole truth. When I called him to tell him what happened, all I said was that Kairi asked me to go check on Sora and that I found him. "The thing is… I do feel guilty. That day… he did that because…" I sigh and lean back. "He's been in love with me for years and I picked a stupid fight with him over this girl. I was goading him. And he… kissed me and I hit him and called him a faggot. That's why he went home and tried to hack himself apart."

"Fuck Riku. You didn't tell me that." He's shaking his head slowly.

"No shit. What would you have said if I had?"

"That it's all your fucking fault."

My mouth drops open and I gawk at him. "Dad!" Yes, that is exactly what I think. But everyone else tries to convince me I'm not at fault.

"Let me go pull out one of my old blades." And he's fucking smiling. "Then you can slit your wrists and Sora can blame himself and you boys can be even."

"What the fuck dad? This isn't funny!"

"No shit, it ain't" The smile fades and he's serious again. "And neither is crying like a fucking pussy when you saved the damn kid's life."

"But he wouldn't have needed saving if I hadn't…"

"If you hadn't what?" He interrupts me. "The kid snapped, alright? Did something drastic in the heat of the moment, when he wasn't thinking clearly, that I'm sure he regrets now. Lord knows I know what that feels like." He mumbles the last part and shakes his head. "But it's not your fault. Did he tell anybody he liked you?"

I sigh and shake my head. "No." I wish he had.

"Did you know?"

"No."

Dad leans forward and puts his hand on my back. And it's fucking weird. "He was a ticking time bomb, Riku. He could have gone off at any time. He's damn lucky he did when he did. Because if he had done it some other night when his mother or that girl weren't around or skipped school or ran away or some shit, he would be dead. He's lucky he gave you a reason to go breaking down his door."

I don't say anything for a long time. Dad's the last person I'd expect giving anyone psychiatric help. But what he's saying… it makes me feel almost better. And maybe it makes sense. "But… I still don't know if…"

"If what?" He prompts when I stop.

I sigh and look at the floor. "It's weird talking about this stuff with you."

"Fucking pansy ass."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. The man can't go two minutes without insulting me even when he's being nice. "What the therapist said about me only being with him out of guilt. If I admit I'm not guilty… shit! I was happy this morning. Why the fuck did she have to make me think?"

He smiles and shrugs. "That's what shrinks do. Fill your head with nonsense until you're more messed up then when you came in so they can tell you you're fucked up and charge you for more shrinking sessions." He pauses a moment and leans back. "Look… you told me this gay thing was something you'd thought about before, right?"

I shrug. "Yeah. The girls that throw themselves at me have never done anything for me."

He makes a sour face but nods. "When he… kissed you… you liked it, right? I don't really want to know, but you felt something, right?"

Instead of answering, I smile up at him. Dad makes a weird homophobe.

"If that girl hadn't called you, would you have gone over?"

With a sigh, I nod. This question again. "I actually felt a little sick afterwards. More over my actions than Sora's. The twins had to drive me home."

He's laughing and shaking his head. "You got to be gay if you ain't banging one of them. Damn girls are hot."

"And seventeen."

"Ain't mean I can't look."

I laugh at that and wonder what the twins would think if I told them my dad thought they were hot. It would be fucking funny as shit. "Anyways… I fell asleep for like an hour and then she called. But… I think even if she hadn't asked me, I would have gone over when I woke up."

"Why?"

"You want the truth?" I can feel my lips twitching up as I ask.

"I want the G version."

"Fine." I shrug. "I was curious. I wanted to do stuff. And apologize."

"What about when you found him?"

"I did everything I could to keep him alive."

"I mean what were you thinking about? Before you got it in your head that you were guilty."

I try to think back. It feels like it happened an eternity ago. Had I thought about anything but keeping Sora alive? "He looked so… small… and peaceful… like he was sleeping. I just… I wanted him to be okay so bad." I can feel the tears trying to start back up and I lower my head. "So I could tell him how stupid I was… am… for my actions that day and for dropping him and Kairi the way I did… I wanted him to know that I wasn't repulsed by him. I'm so fucking selfish. I wanted him to be okay so we could… do stuff."

"So to recap… you think you're gay, but not sure. Sora kisses you, you freak out, and overreact. You realize you probably are gay and go to Sora's to do gay stuff. And you saved his life."

He says it so bluntly and I feel a bit speechless. "Yeah… I guess so…"

"If you ask me, you were developing feelings or some shit before you started feeling guilty. Now maybe once the guilt set in it made those feelings go haywire or some fucking shit. But they were there to begin with."

"So you think… maybe it was too fast… but it wasn't fake?"

"I don't want to know how fast it was or wasn't." He says quickly. "But yes."

I nod slowly, thinking about that. It could be true. "So… what should I do now?"

He leans back on the couch, stretches out, and props his feet up on the coffee table. "Go get me a beer so I can get drunk and kick your ass like a normal weekend."

I laugh a bit. That's the first thing he's said today that sounds like himself. "I mean about Sora."

"What'd he say after all that shit went down with the therapist?"

"He asked if I really loved him or if it was guilt. When I couldn't answer, he told me to go home and think about it."

"Then fucking listen to the boy and do that. Stop all this fucking guilt shit and think. Honestly. Give it a few a days. In the mean time… get me a beer. And don't ever bring this conversation up again. I will deny I said anything."

_Dad can be a real shithead most of the time. Then he goes and does something like that and I wonder why he can't be like that all the time. But I'd probably miss the shithead part if he was. So I never brought it up to him again, like he asked. And when he got drunk that night, I sat with him and let him yell at me until he passed out. But I was grateful for having him there that night. There's no telling what I might have done if he wasn't._

It's Sora's first day back to school today. I haven't called him since he told me to go home and think on Saturday. I tried to do just that. But I'm still not sure I have an answer for him. Dad's right. There were feelings there when I went over that day. But after everything that happened, can I trust that what I feel now is still genuine?

"RIKUUU!" Fuck… She jumps at me a full second after she screamed. And she's got her arms around me and she's pressing up against me and yep. I'm gay. And I wish she was shorter. And flat-chested. And had brown hair. And was a lot less clingy and annoying and went by the name of Sora.

"Shiva! Get off!"

She lets me pry her off and I hold her back at shoulder length. "Oh you poor dear! Being traumatized and all! Are you sure you should be back? You look tired."

"Shiva, I'm fine."

"But after everything…"

"Shiva… I'm fine!" I repeat and spy Siren coming over. "Hey Siren."

"Hey Riku. She starting in on you already?"

I release my grip on her shoulders slowly and wag a silent finger at her, warning her to keep her hands to herself. "Before you ask too, I'm fine."

"I'm sure you are." She says with a smile. "You were at school half of last week."

"Until that kid woke up, huh?" Shiva says just as Irvine, Quistis, and Nida joined us.

"That kid has a name." I snap, glaring at her.

"Totally insensitive Shiva." Irvine shakes his head and grabs my arm. "Come on man. Bell's about to ring."

I let Irvine drag me inside, relieved that Shiva isn't right behind us. I really don't want to deal with her right now. And her first class is far way from mine. I sigh and rub at my forehead. And I wonder where Sora is. If he came today and if he's with Kairi. And if he's freaking out about school or about me. And I'm a fucking asshole.

"So how is your friend doing? Sora, right? Didn't know you two were close."

"He's doing better. He freaks out a bit sometimes and he was nervous about today. But he's good." We turn down the hall and head for the stairwell. "We… sort of grew up together. We were best friends our whole lives… but… we sort of drifted apart over the summer and… and when school started… I guess I started hanging out with you guys and he stuck with our old friends."

"Ah. Tough break. But I'm glad to hear the kid's doing better. He's lucky you were there."

We leave the stairwell and turn as the tardy bell rang. I glance down the hall towards our classroom and stop. Sora's standing at the other end of the hall with Kairi looking like she's attempting to pull him into a classroom. I grab Irvine's arm to stop him before we get noticed and pull him back into the stairwell.

"Dude! What's wrong?"

"I saw him."

"Who?"

"Sora. Down the hall."

"So?"

"So I… uh…" I know I'm stammering and shaking and looking like a complete fucking idiot. Seriously!

Irivne's looking at me and he's worried. "Are you okay? Did something happen?"

"Sort of…"

"Come on." He grabs my arm and starts pulling me back up the stairs.

"Where are we going?"

"Parking lot. You left something in your jeep, didn't you?"

"Uh… yeah…" The halls are empty as we sneak back outside and weave through the parking lot. Irvine makes it to my jeep first and turns to lean against it. He smiles and cocks an eyebrow. "What?"

"Besides the obvious… what happened that has you hiding from the kid?"

I shrug and move to lean against the jeep beside him. "A lot of shit."

"Need an ear?"

I shake my head. "Sorry, but I've done a lot of talking and listening and thinking in the past couple days. I'd just like everyone to leave me alone and stop bugging me around it."

"Oh…" He laughs and scratches at the back of his head. "Sorry for dragging you off then."

I shrug. "You didn't know. And I don't mind skipping class today."

We're silent for a moment before Irvine looks over at me. "Since talking is out… what do you want to do?"

"Uh… I don't know. I haven't seen you guys much in the past couple weeks. What's been going on? You still dating that Yuna chick?"

He smiles and shakes his head. "Nah. She dumped my ass last week. Caught me flirting with a junior at the dance. Actually… Selphie hangs out with Sora's group so you probably know her."

I laugh. "Yeah, I know her. She's got a steady on and off boyfriend."

"I know but the guy's a douche. Look at me! I've got him fucking pegged. But anyways… Yuna catches us flirting and I talk my way out of it. And then she catches us again and she slapped me and called me asshole or some shit."

"You are."

He smiles widely. "I know. But everyone still loves me."

I shake my head and laugh at him. Things have got to be so much easier for him, being straight and all. Everyone expects it because it's the normal, accepted thing. You don't have to announce to everyone that you're straight. "You date a lot… right?" I ask slowly. So much for not wanting to talk.

He shrugs. "Yeah, I guess I do. Why?"

"Uh… I just… never mind." I shake my head and wave it off. Maybe I don't want to talk.

"Ah dude! Finally got yourself a girlfriend, huh?"

I look down at the ground and don't exactly answer right away. "Uh…"

"About fucking time." He shakes his head and laughs loudly. "You had me worried you were gay or something."

"Uh…"

"You are, aren't you? Oh fuck yes! Nida owes me $20."

My mouth drops open as I gawk at him. "You… had a bet about me being gay?"

"Yep."

"You… don't care?" I ask slowly. Irvine's always been all about dating and girls obviously but I've always had him pegged as an easy going guy who wouldn't care. I hope that's true.

He shrugs. "It's your life. Why should it matter to me who you're banging?"

"Uh… well…"

"You're banging him, aren't you?"

"I…"

"Damn! Took you long enough. It's Sora, isn't it?"

I feel completely mind fucked again. Is it written on my face or something? Was there a memo I missed? "What the fuck? Are there video camera in his bedroom that I don't know of?"

He laughs. "I'm just good at reading people."

"You're fucking creepy Irvine."

He's still smiling as he shrugs. "You're avoiding him and you admitted to being gay and you blushed."

"I did not!"

"Did too."

"Fuck you!"

"Nah. I prefer boobs."

"I fucking hate you."

He's laughing and pushing me away. "So… what'd you and boyfriend fight about?"

"He… thinks I only like him because I feel guilty about what happened."

He tips his head slightly like he's thinking about it, and then nods. "Do you?"

"I'm not sure. My dad pretty much convinced me I'm not guilty." Something I thought I'd never say in my life. "But I'm not so sure how I actually feel."

"Then figure it out." Irvine says it bluntly with a duh expression on his face. And I want to hit him.

"I'm trying."

"And apparently sucking at it."

And I want to hit him again. "Oh yeah? What do you think I should do?"

He shrugs. "Ask the guy out. That's what dating is for… figuring out if you like someone."

Well that makes sense. I guess I really haven't ever dated anyone. I've asked girls out before but only to avoid Shiva and none of them ever made it to a second date. Was always more of a casual, hang out sort of thing. "We were supposed to go out tonight but that was before."

"Then you better go."

"But…"

"He's probably freaked out and all but probably hopeful, right? He'll probably show up so you better go. And when he does… don't jump him. Kid's been through a lot, right? You have too. So go easy on him and take it slow. Just have some fun. See how it goes. Then you'll have your answer."

We're silent a moment and I can't help but smile. Man… I must really be fucked up because everyone around me seems to think I need a Dr. Phil moment. But I guess I'm grateful. Because as fucked up as I seem to be, Sora's just as fucked up as me and we can be fucked up together. "Thanks Irvine."

"Welcome dude. Though I should be thanking you. Giving me a reason to skip class and all. You watch though. Damn teacher will give a pop quiz or some shit."

"You won't… say anything, right?"

"Well duh dude."

"Good. I have to find the perfect way to tell Shiva."

"Oh fuck!" He pushes off the jeep, wide eyed. "Promise me you'll do it while I'm there! I have to fucking see that! Girl's going to be ballistic!"

I laugh. "I know! I warned Sora that a boyfriend will only make her try harder."

"Aw. You said boyfriend. Riku has a boyfriend! Riku has a…" I jump on him and knock him to the ground to shut him up. He only laughs and pushes me off. "I'm going to tell Sora and he's going to get jealous!"

"Shut up before someone hears you!"

"We're skipping class. No one's going to hear."

"I fucking hate you."

"Love you too, sweethear."

**-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-**

**Author's Notes:** Fuck. Seriously. Just fuck. This chapter completely ran away with itself. Totally not the plan I had when I started writing it. But sometimes that happens, right? But I'm seriously mind fucked after this. No clue where it's going to go or how or when it's going to end. When I wrote the first part like 4 years ago, there was only part one. And at the end, you weren't supposed to find out if Sora died or not. But when I posted it, people kept asking me what happened next and if he died and what was up with Riku and shit. So the second part was born. And the third part. Then this shit here. So… I can tell you there is going to be at least one more real chapter. And the poem chapters in between of course. But as to if there will be more after that… I don't fucking know. No clue what's going to happen. For all I know… everyone will end up dead.

Stupid story running away with itself. COME BACK HERE!


	8. Not the Real Me

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters. I own the poem. I wrote it. Although you're supposed to think Riku wrote it.

**Not The Real Me  
**By Riku

I want to be the me  
The me I used to be  
That different person  
The one you were so certain  
Would save you every time  
You stepped out of line

I want to be the me  
Only your eyes see  
The first one  
To whom you always run  
No matter what was wrong  
I was always so strong

I want to be the me  
Back when I felt so free  
You were the first thing  
To which I would cling  
I followed you every where  
Even if I wasn't yet aware

I miss who I was  
And I miss you because  
I love you and need you  
And I hope you need me too  
From you I cannot stray  
I don't want to fade away


End file.
